Preparing for my full-immersion return to American TV...I give you the latest from TV Land:
-- Ricky Schroeder and his racing car bed to star on the new season of '24'. The living room train held out for more money and got dropped. Also on '24' this year: the scary pimp from 'Deadwood', the kid who died of AIDS on "Life Goes On," and Captain Dudley "Grand, lad, Grand" Smith.
-- Reports that Steven Hawking and David Hasselhoff would both appear on this year's Celebrity Big Brother -- which would have caused a singularity of reality TV goodness so dense that nothing, even light, could have escaped its gravitational pull -- have sadly been shot down by the robot-voiced physicist's team of publicist nurses. Don't worry, the Hoff is still going to be available for hassling.
-- The pet pig owned by Booker from "Roseanne" has died. Not sure why this even made the papers. Defamer has news of the huge BBQ tribute. Bonus trivia -- it was once co-owned by John Revolta's wife!
-- Tori Spelling to write memoir. Wait, she can read? I always thought that Donna Martin graduated only thanks to West Beverly's unbelievably lax testing procedures.