Thursday, October 26

Neologism of the century (so far)

Defamer: "A giant horsefly has landed in the ointment Borat has been enthusiastically slathering upon his NEON-BENUTSLINGED body in anticipation of his movie's imminent release."

(emphasis added, not that a word like NEON-BENUTSLINGED really needs any extra oomph.)


MemeWatch: I fought the claw-toy machine and the claw-toy machine won

For SpongeBob, 3-year-old sacrifices freedom

Houdini babe takes toy initiative
Boy stuck in supermarket game

And who says I want to be rescued?
Boy, 3, crawls up into pizzeria claw toy machine, doesn’t want to leave


Honey, did you take your zombie pill this morning?

For the last few years I've been taking pills for a rather strange condition, very similar to narcolepsy, that causes me to fall asleep at the most inopportune times -- at the theater, at the pub, even once in the front row of a very loud big band jazz concert.

picture(38).jpgAfter spending a very strange evening in the NYU sleep lab, wired up to a few dozen electrodes that were in turn connected to big black box that left me looking like Darth Vader's idiot cousin (see right), I got my diagnosis: idiopathic hypersomnia -- known to my friends as idiotpasick hypersomnia -- which basically means I sleep too much and they don't know why.

I did, however, get a prescription to some lovely wakey-wakey pills that have made all the difference, called Provigil -- notice what those clever pharmaceutical marketers did with the name?

aacThis morning I gleaned two excellent facts: on The Street they're known as zombie pills, and by taking them I was unknowingly being trained to be a next-gen hyperalert killing machine. Sweet!

From the BBC:
A controversial drug which can keep people awake for days has been tested by the UK military, MPs have been told.

Modafinil pills - known on the drugs scene as "zombies" - are used to treat the rare sleeping disorder narcolepsy.

The Ministry of Defence has previously denied testing the drug on troops although it reportedly bought thousands of pills ahead of the Iraq war.

Defence contractor Qinetiq told the commons' science committee the drug had recently been tested for military use.
Thanks modern medicine!

Monday, October 23

The View from Space

Via Warren Ellis, pix of the space shuttle launching, as seen from the International Space Station a chase plane:

S&M, Latex and He-Man

hemanAh, He-Man -- Christmas specials, homoerotic children's programming...murder?

In a master-slave relationship gone wrong, 39-year-old American Charles Henson tried to kill his former allergic-to-latex girlfriend in London by stuffing his rubber glove-clad hand into her mouth.

Feeling this method lacked a nais se qua, he also shouted He-Man's catchphrase "By the power of Grayskull!" Miraculously, Henson's ex-girlfriend survived the attack DESPITE the invocation of a magical castle from a 1980s cartoon.

Henson sounds like a real peach, combining the most charming aspects of a kinky lawyer and demented killing machine. From the Guardian:
Henson denied he was trying to kill her, saying this was not allowed in their contract. "In section four of the contract, it says the master does not have a right to kill the slave," he said. "If I break bones, cut her, leave scarring or wounds without her consent - that's not allowed."

He said if he had wanted to kill her his military training would have enabled him to do so in "four seconds". Addressing prosecutor Lynne Matthews he said: "I can take the palm of my hand and kill you by shoving your nose into your skull. That's a four-second death. If I wanted her dead, she would be dead."
I have the power, indeed!

Wednesday, October 18

Sorry folks

I've been a bit busy.

Check out more here.

We will hopefully soon be returning you to your regularly scheduled blog program...

Tuesday, October 10

Lord McNutty?

WTF? Dominic West, who plays Officer Jimmy McNulty on "The Wire," is English -- and went to Eton, no less? Nice Bal'mer accent, there, Dom!

(Idris "Stringer Bell" Elba, who DJs under the stage name "Big Driis the Londoner" is also a Brit)

Friday, October 6

The Art of Being the Hoff

Step 1: Show up drunk for a live TV appearance to promote the rancid piece of Hollywood garbage that is "Click," and mispronounce the name of your costar as "Adam Sanglier."
Step 2: Pass out in the airport lounge. A Popbitch reader spotted him in Heathrow's BMI lounge, "clearly very animated and excited about his flight. He chatted loudly and enthusiastically to everyone, then seemed to get suddenly very tired. He fell into a deep, deep sleep until he was woken by his mobile phone. When the caller asked where he was, he bellowed: 'I think I'm in Dublin'."

Step 3: Forcibly expel your automotive long-term companion KITT from the gay car closet:

"We have some fairly X-rated outtakes on 'Knight Rider,'" he told students at Trinity College, Dublin, where presumably he's a visiting scholar teaching a seminar in Becoming a Huge Star....In Germany 101.

"Kitt was constantly asking, 'Do you want me to take you home Michael?' in that very camp voice of his."

William Daniels was not immediately available for comment.

Step 4: At no time allow anyone to hassel you.

Sex advice from the NHS


Take That Bill Buford

_39334039_buford_body203Bill Buford is tough. Tough enough to hang out with English football hooligans. Tough enough to brave Mario Batali's kitchen. But especially, tough enough to watch a mind-numbing three straight days of the Food Network. His verdict? The FN has weeded out true chefs like Batali in favor of dumbed-down purveyors of mediocrity like Rachel Ray. If the FN were a food, Buford essentially argues, it would be pap.
The shows made now are full of exacting, intimate, amplified, and exaggerated beauties. (It’s not erotic, I can confirm — that’s not why it’s called food porn. It’s just unreal. You will never meet a Playmate of the Month; you will never eat the red, juicy tomato that you see on “Barefoot Contessa.”)
But wait a minute...Not erotic? What about the bodaciously posh Nigella Lawson, England's beloved "yummy mummy," who slathers olive oil on a raw shoulder of lamb in a manner reminiscent of a back alley masseuse, with a wicked glimmer in her eye that makes you think that maybe, just maybe, there may be a happy ending in your future?

NigellaSlate TV critic Troy Patterson notes that Buford "obviously hadn't seen Lawson make guacamole."
Or even heard her say "guacamole." In the first episode of Nigella Feasts, working on a side dish for her cornbread-topped chili con carne, she endowed the word with illicit implications, pronouncing it with the roundest O imaginable, as if the sound itself might ripen the fruit. O, avocados! Having scooped them into a bowl, Lawson first reflected on the succulence of their flesh, then got down to business "massacring the avocados with [her] masher." She mashed without pity. "Hmm—disturbingly satisfying!" she moaned. You want me to put my chips in that?

Tuesday, October 3

No, it wasn't real manure

Biff from Back to the Future has a message for the haters: Stop asking me the question.

5000 years in 90 second

A brief history of the Middle East

apologies for my absence...

...from the blogosphere, but work is getting crazy with a new product I'm working on that launches in two weeks.

Sometime around the end of October, I hope to resume regularly scheduled monkey daemon service. In the meantime, check out some links on:

-- eating in New York
-- an audio interview with Michael Lewis, author of "Liar's Poker," "Moneyball," and the newly released "The Blind Side."
-- fancy cocktails
-- and of course a mother lode of YouTube goodness