Wednesday, September 28

"What the Heck is Happening to My Genitals?"

Amy Sedaris as a "Paulie the Penis" in an animated Web film: Puberty: The Movie.
"You might have a naughty dream about a special lady in a special way in a special place that smells like the sea."

Shocking. Hilarious. Not in any way remotely safe for work -- as I discovered too late. I am so fired.

Sometimes the Blog Writes Itself

Tom "Jump the Couch" Cruise is giving a series of talks on "Scientology's solutions to mental health problems," including one lecture titled: "Handling Sexual Dis-Orientation: Out of the Closet and Into the Auditing Room."

Show up for Tom Cruise talking about gay people (!), but stay for "Diagnosis and Treatment of So-Called Clinical Depression with the Hubbard Mark Super VII Quantum Electropsychometer."

October 22 -- Live Webcast promised.


Whoops -- it's a fake. As Defamer notes, a pretty good one, though.

Hot Penguin Minefield Sex

"On a recent day, the squawking penguins were busily finding partners, preparing nests and waddling about the mating grounds," Reuters reports. "Fortunately the would-be lovers are penguins, too light to detonate the deadly mines laid more than two decades ago during a war on the far-flung Falkland Islands."

Damn Right It's Not

Photo via Sasha Frere-Jones

The BBC got its knuckles rapped by the UK media regulator yesterday for running a radio show on the history of punk culture that opened with an elderly woman reeling off a long string of profanties.

After a brief warning about strong language, the program began:

"Hello ladies, boys and girls, I thought that you might like to know - in the spirit of punk rock – the following show includes, what we often refer to as language. So if, like me, you are offended by such words and phrases as: arse; bollocks; tit, wank; tit-wank; rotter; mother licker; mother sucker; mother fucker; twat; minge juice; bottler and of course bastard – then you might wish to turn over, or fuck off – thank you."

Minge juice? I also really like the fact that "tit-wank" is its own word, more than the sum of its parts.

UK media regulator Ofcom ruled that the profanity "was
clearly intended to be ironic and provide a humorous
introduction to the programme", but noted that listeners aged 4
to 14 make up 14 percent of the Radio 1 audience at that hour.

"Given the potential child audience for Radio 1 at this
time, we believe that the use of such strong language, with such
intensity, at the start of the programme was inappropriate", the
regulator wrote in its ruling.

All the Doggies were Kung-Fu Fighting

via Flickr user Colleen

So Very, Very Wrong


Monday, September 26

[Insert Rick James joke here]

Google Video has "Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories" up for free viewing online.

Also the pilot of UPN's "Everybody Loves Chris," Beck videos and some truly gawdawful karaoke.

Slow Mo Bouncing Jello

See it to believe it here (Windows Media)

Haven't Those People Suffered Enough?

From The Nation
Outside the 2,000-bed temporary shelter in Baton Rouge's River Center, a Church of Scientology band is performing a version of Bill Withers's classic "Use Me"--a refreshingly honest choice. "If it feels this good getting used," the Scientology singer belts out, "just keep on using me until you use me up."

Ten-year-old Nyler, lying face down on a massage table, has pretty much the same attitude. She is not quite sure why the nice lady in the yellow SCIENTOLOGY VOLUNTEER MINISTER T-shirt wants to rub her back, but "it feels so good," she tells me, so who really cares? I ask Nyler if this is her first massage. "Assist!" hisses the volunteer minister, correcting my Scientology lingo. Nyler shakes her head no; since fleeing New Orleans after a tree fell on her house, she has visited this tent many times, becoming something of an assist-aholic. "I have nerves," she explains in a blissed-out massage voice. "I have what you call nervousness."

Friday, September 23

Hasn't the Woman Suffered Enough?

1. Date marginally talented crack-head junkie singer
2. Become the tabloid poster child for drugged-out excess

segue to....

Scientology reaches out to Kate Moss
Controversial religion wants the model to join their drug rehab program

UPDATE from Defamer:
Look—we’re going to be up front about this. There is absolutely no way we can discuss Scientology-assisted rehab without making the Tom Cruise Personally—Personally! joke. So here goes: With the chance to recruit/help such a red-hot celebrity, Tom Cruise is going to go on hiatus from shooting Mission: Impossible: 3 and personally -- personally! -- hold Moss’ Hoover-strength nostrils closed and force-feed her vitamins and sandwiches until she’s completely stepped off drugs.

God, we feel so dirty. But the good kind of dirty.

Via Flickr user jakedobkin

Katrina Drives Bush Back to Booze?

There have been concerns from the beginning that Dubya is a "dry drunk" who quit drinking without any kind of treatment, and who is prone to a relapse. This does come from that paragon of journalistic ethics, the National Enquirer, but is troubling none the less:
Faced with the biggest crisis of his political life, President Bush has hit the bottle again, The National Enquirer can reveal.

Bush, who said he quit drinking the morning after his 40th birthday, has started boozing amid the Katrina catastrophe.

Family sources have told how the 59-year-old president was caught by First Lady Laura downing a shot of booze at their family ranch in Crawford, Texas, when he learned of the hurricane disaster.

His worried wife yelled at him: "Stop, George."

"I do think that Bush is drinking again. Alcoholics who are not in any program, like the President, have a hard time when stress gets to be great," said Dr. Justin Frank, a Washington D.C. psychiatrist and author of "Bush On The Couch: Inside The Mind Of The President."

"I think it's a concern that Bush disappears during times of stress. He spends so much time on his ranch. It's very frightening."

UPDATE: Gawker has an image of the NatEnq spread here

NYP's Freely

After a decade of false starts, New Yorkers will soon be able to drain the main vein in ease and comfort. But forget about taking the Sunday papers in for a nice leisurely stay. According to the Daily News, the toilets from international street toilet conglomerate Cemusa "come equipped with a tiny sink for washing up and timers that regulate how long users can tend to their business. Afterward, the toilets automatically clean up with disinfectant spray."

"Cemusa has extensive experience throughout the world," said a spokeswoman. "The toilets are not new to them. They've done them. A toilet is a toilet."

Let the Healing Begin

London T-Shirt vendors take the piss out of the 7/7 bombings.

Found by Plasticbag's Tom Coates.

One little letter.....

...separates disc surgery (certainly no laughing matter) from something much more comical. Click here and read the PDF from the bottom up.

When the Levee Breaks

Star reporter Andy Sullivan, Reuters' last man in Nawlins, is filing dynamite stories and photos from the battered city:
Hurricane Rita is starting to smack this city around. Black clouds have hovered all day, letting loose the occasional burst of rain and gust of wind. I'm the only reporter left, and thus had to write a "state of the city" story today. That involved driving around the city and stopping in at the bus terminal and the levees, and trolling for stubborn citizens who aren't moving out (like me). Bingo on all points, plus I caught a mayoral press conference on the radio.

I filed the story, then hit the bar at the Sheraton Hotel where lots of journos hang out. I overheard one of an NYTimes photographer talking about a levee breach in the Lower Ninth Ward, and I called Jessica the photographer and we went to check it out. We had to sweet-talk our way past one checkpoint, but got there right as the sun was setting -- sure enough, water was pooling behind a spot in the levee that had broken during Katrina and subsequently repaired. The hole was in the levee and likely to expand overnight as the tide rose, a councilman from a nearby parish told me.

I called in the update, Jessica got the shots, then we tried to back out along the road on which we came in. It was pitch black and I drove off the road into the toxic mud. The NYTimes guys, who were also there of course, helped push us out. We went back to the Sheraton and used their WiFi account to file Jessica's photos. What champs.

Monday, September 19

Mr T Loses the Bling

The erstwhile A-Team pteromerhanophobiac and Saturday morning cartoon coach of crime-fighting gymnasts has renounced his trademark gold chains out of respect for the victims of Hurrican Katrina.

T is launching a new reality show, "I Pity the Fool," which will find the devout Christian assisting those in need, USA Today reports.

"Because of the situation we're in now (after Katrina), I told myself, 'No, T, you can never wear your gold again. ' It's an insult to God," T opines. What will remain the same is T's signature mohawk and repeated use of the word "fool," as in: "I might say, 'Don't be disrespecting no lady, fool.'"


Hoist the Mizzenmast Matey

That's right amigos, it's Dia de Hablar Como Un Pirato, so dust off those eye-patches and limber up your yardarms. If you're feeling like some high-brow pirate fare, check out McSweeny's "Pirate Riddles for Sophisticates":
Q: Whom did the pirate vote for in the Haitian election?
A: ARRRistide.

Q: Wait. Why did they let a pirate vote in the Haitian election?
A: Remember, the nation was taking its first halting steps toward democracy, and balloting procedures were rather chaotic. The pirate just slipped in somehow. Arrr.

Q: I don't buy it. Pirates care nothing for participating in the electoral process.
A: Look, can we finish this up soon? I'm having those phantom pains in my wooden leg.

Q: A phenomenon first described in the 17th century by which important contributor to the field of amputation surgery?
A: Oh, this is getting ridiculous.

Q: Just say it.
A: Ambroise PARRRĂ©.

Wednesday, September 14

Killer ATM

I spotted a new one from Banksy today, in my old work neighborhood of Clerkenwell. Is it too much to ask for some grafitti in Canary Wharf?

Tuesday, September 13

Sherry & Sprite

The NYTimes' Amanda Hesser unearths an unearthly cocktail at a tapas restaurant in New York: A manzanilla/Sprite cocktail called the Rebujito.
Fill a tall glass with ice. Pour in 2 ounces Manzanilla (or Fino) sherry and top with 6 ounces Sprite (not 7Up). Stir. Add a twist of lemon. Serves 1.

This is a big cocktail at Sevilla's Feria de Abril, a weeklong booze and dancing fest where people carry sherry glasses on strings around their necks. It's certainly no stranger than the calimocho, which is red wine and Coca-Cola, or the tinto de verano, which is Fanta and redwine. And the weird combos aren't limited to Spain -- what demented Englishman decided that the Sprite-and-beer remix known as the shandie was a good idea?

We need the rebujitos flowing in London in time for next summer -- attention Moro, Brindisa and Cafe Kick!

Rome Grafitti

Rome Grafitti
Originally uploaded by AdamP.
Near Bernhard and Cristina's apartment in Monte Verde, Rome

"How Bush Blew It"

George Bush, who prides himself on ignoring the mainstream news media, had to watch a DVD to catch up Katrina coverage more than four days after the hurricane laid waste to New Orleans.

Aides "made up a DVD of the newscasts so Bush could see them in their entirety as he flew down to the Gulf Coast the next morning (Friday) on Air Force One," Newsweek's Evan Thomas reports in his story, unambiguously titled "How Bush Blew It."

How this could be — how the president of the United States could have even less "situational awareness," as they say in the military, than the average American about the worst natural disaster in a century - is one of the more perplexing and troubling chapters in a story that, despite moments of heroism and acts of great generosity, ranks as a national disgrace.

After five years in office, he is surrounded largely by people who agree with him. Bush can ask tough questions, but it's mostly a one-way street. ... When Hurricane Katrina struck, it appears there was no one to tell President Bush the plain truth: that the state and local governments had been overwhelmed, that the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) was not up to the job and that the military, the only institution with the resources to cope, couldn't act without a declaration from the president overriding all other authority.