Conan O'Brian on the future of television: "Tough-talking TiVos will even confront viewers, saying, 'You've watched 40 straight hours of 'Sponge- Bob'—get off the weed!'"
Among his other predictions:
-- "Televisions will eventually grow so large that families will be forced to watch TV from outside their homes, peering in through the window. Random wolf attacks will make viewing more dangerous.
-- Twenty-four-hour news channels, desperate for even more coverage, will conspire with NASA to alter Earth's orbit, creating a 25-hour day. Fox News's attempt to create a 26th hour will result in volcanic eruptions, and Bill O'Reilly will perish in a lava flow.
-- Oprah proclaims that "Anonymity Is the New Fame," and the hottest new program is a worldwide search for someone who has never been on television. The winner, an 80-year-old Maori tribesman, is soon on every magazine cover and is spotted canoodling in the bar of the Four Seasons with Tara Reid.
-- In an effort to bring Red and Blue states together, one giant plasma screen, four miles high, will rise from the central Plains, visible from both coasts. In accordance with the amended Constitution, the president will be the only one with the authority to touch the remote, which a nearby Marine will carry in a briefcase."
He's so sure of his crystal ball, he promises: "If I've made even one mistake I'm certain the good people at Newsweek, who never make mistakes, will refund you the price of this issue." Zing!