Wednesday, September 29

Ol' Dirty Confessions

To my lone and possibly nonexistant reader, sorry for the absence this week, I've been on the late shift covering Big Important Stuff.

I'll start off tonight with a confession of my own: My one episode of shoplifting was stealing an Ol' Dirty Bastard poster from a Madison, Wisconsin record store in 1995 at the behest of my Wu-loving roomate Dave. I still live with the guilt.

Now let's compare that with the exploits of Ol' Dirty himself (via Brown Cardigan)

"In 1994 he was shot in the stomach by another rapper.

In 1997 he was jailed for failing to pay child support. At the time he was the father for 13 children, and was failing to pay any financial support for any of them for over a year.

In the greatest ever Grammy's moment he jupmed on stage during Shawn Colvin's Best Album acceptance speech and protested against Puff Daddy winning the Best Rap Album award over the Wu-Tang - 'Wu-Tang is for the children. We teach the children.'

At once stage he insisted on being called Big Baby Jesus.

In one of his numerous court cases, a female prosecutor asked him a question and he responded by saying 'Do I make you horny?' and then fell asleep.

He was once arrested in California for driving without a licence and wearing a bullet proof vest. A few weeks later in New York, he was arrested again for possession of cocaine and driving offences. Numerous other arrests saw him charged with possessing a variety of drugs including 20 vials of crack cocaine on one occasion.

When ODB finally went into rehab he didn't last long. While being transported from the court back to the rehab centre he escaping and spent a month on the run as a fugitive. During this time he recording several tracks with the RZA and performed with the Wu-Tang Clan (with police on the door of the premises at the time). He was eventually arrested signing autographs in a McDonald's car park and sentenced to two to four years jail.

When he was finally released from jail he appeared with Mariah Carey and Damon Dash to announce his signing to Jay-Z's Roc-A-Fella Records label.

Earlier this year he announced he will be running for president. When asked why he was doing this he replied - 'To get pussy'.

He is currently the star of his own reality tv show called 'Stuck to ODB' which challenged a normal person to stay within 10 feet of him for 5 days. The prize for winning on the show is $25,000, which will be probably needed for bail, when you get caught as an accessory to whatever criminal activity Ol' Dirty gets up to in 120 hours you spend with him."

Friday, September 24

Super Freak Jeopardy!


The Answer: "Xanax, methamphetamine, Wellbutrin, Celexa, Vicodin, Valium, cocaine, Digoxin,and Chlorpheniramine."
The Question: What were the drugs found in Rick James' corpse?



Ok, I can understand Xanax, meth, Vicodin, Valium & Cocaine -- those are party drugs. Digoxin because crack is bad for your heart, mmmkay? Celexa because who wouldn't be a little depressed to know that your best superfreak years are behind you. But who knew that Rick had clogged-up sinuses? (Chlorpheniramine is an anti-histamine) And, in perhaps the biggest shocker, what about the mindboggling absence of THC in the bloodstream of a man who wrote an entire love song to Mary Jane?

Headline of the Day

New York Post Online Edition: news

Wednesday, September 22

Doanchew werry bouda thang

I'll take "the Dink" for $100, Alex


I got nuthin but love for The Borowitz Report:

"President George W. Bush has sought answers on Iraq from Ken Jennings, the champion of the popular game show “Jeopardy,” White House aides confirmed today.

Mr. Bush first came to believe that Mr. Jennings might have the answers on Iraq when he saw the game-show whiz on television earlier this summer, telling aides, “That there is the smartest man in the world.”

After contacting Mr. Jennings, White House aides began constructing a mock-up of the “Jeopardy!” set in the basement of the White House and enlisted “Jeopardy!” host Alex Trebek to reprise his usual role.
...
According to those who saw Mr. Jennings play the special Iraqi version, the champ breezed through most of the questions but was stumped when he got to “EXIT STRATEGIES” for $100.

“The most likely outcome of the war in Iraq, this should happen by the end of 2005,” Mr. Trebek read.

“What is civil war and total chaos?” Mr. Jennings guessed.

“No, I’m sorry,” Mr. Trebek replied. “The correct question is, ‘What is a thriving Middle Eastern democracy and a beacon of hope for the entire region?’”

Mr. Bush, disappointed by Mr. Jennings’ performance, reportedly told aides, “Ken Jennings may be the smartest man in the world but when it comes to Iraq he's as dumb as a post.”

Friday, September 17

Top 9 comments made by NBC at the Olympics

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw
her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak
from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my
mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some
deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we
can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't
like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the
IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've
got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is
that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
(thanks to Jason)

Rosh Hashonah humour

Thursday, September 16

Larry David: Curb Your Undecidedness


Misanthropic comedic genius Larry David, fresh from his cameo on Entourage, pens a classic NY Times Op-Ed calling out the Undecided among us.

"The other night I saw a whole gaggle of you on TV in a focus group. You really liked chatting with professional pollster Frank Luntz, didn't you? He seemed very interested in what you had to say. Afterward, I could imagine all of you piling into a bus and heading for Denny's to discuss your exciting evening with Frank. I could see all of you staying friends even after the election. Maybe go on some trips together. Perhaps a wine tour of Tuscany. On bicycles! Oh, the life of the Undecided. Too bad they can't hold these presidential elections more often."

"The truth is, Undecideds, you're getting on our nerves. We Decideds hate all the attention you're getting and that you're jerking us around."

Larry's right -- if you can't make a clear choice between the Dink and this guy by now, I'm not really sure you should be trusted in the voting booth.

Beware the radio-active spaceman hijackers

Hilarious passenger safety handout from Tajikistan's state-owned airline.



-- "Unqeustionably, obit to the commands of terrorists, and then the assents of special task force who should deliver hostages."
-- "Don't be a hero, not having a special preparation."
-- "Look around the where you're about. Find out hide-out where you can hide in case of a cross-fire."

Necrophilia Shock Horror

You have to love Popbitch: "California has just banned necrophilia this week, making it punishable by up to eight years in jail. The law was introduced after a case in San Francisco last year where a 46-year-old man was found passed out drunk, with his pants round his ankle, on top of an elderly woman's corpse in a funeral home.

Catherine Zeta-Jones must be getting a bit
nervous about a police visit..."

Wednesday, September 15

The Onion: Cinemax Director Wins Award For Skinematography

Iraq: It's Worse Than You Think

Incredibly bleak but all too believable account from blogger/Time magazine freelance Chris Albritton.
"What was once a hell wrought by Saddam is now one of America’s making."

Borat: Satire or Reality?


The press secreatary at the Kazakh embassy is spitting mad about allegations made by Borat (of "Throw the Jew Down the Well" fame) that a) the national sport is shooting a dog and then having a party b) one can earn a living being a Gypsy catcher c) wine is made from fermented horse urine d) it is customary for a man to grab another man’s khrum and e) “khrum” is the word for testicles.

The New Yorker reports: "While Borat has claimed that 'in Kazakhstan the favorite hobbies are disco dancing, archery, rape, and table tennis,' Vassilenko concedes only the first and the last. Archery is 'not prominent,' he said."

But wait a minute....

So what is the national sport of Kazakhstan? “Kazakhs were traditional nomads, so there are various sports like horse races. Another horseback sport is called something like Catch a—what is name?—Catch a Bride. And that is that a group of young guys race to get a bride, and she races away from them and they have to catch her while she fends them off with a whip.”

dun dun DUN.

View "Throw the Jew" video clip here

Tuesday, September 14

Oh Kevin....


Everything was going so well. Keyser Soze, Jack Vincennes, Lester Burnham. Then it all went off the rails. K-PAX, Pay It Forward, The Life of David Gale. That embarassing 4:30 a.m. "dog walking/mobile phone theft" incident in the park. And now this.
The Sun: "It's Kevin Spray-cey"

Boozin' with the 'rents

The Wall Street Journal does a front-pager on parents letting their kids booze at home, on the theory that it's better than having them out in the street. A dad in Rhode Island ended up getting arrested for suborning underage drinking.

My own dear parents adopted this strategy the night of my prom. They camped out next door, peering through the shutters, while my friends and I had a (PG, non rock star, minimal drug use) party in our house.

To their credit, the 'rents only ventured over twice to check up on things. I have a fuzzy recollection of meeting them at the door and pleading with them to go away. I woke up the next morning in their bed with the biggest hangover of my young life to find my mom in the kitchen, cooking breakfast for my similarly hungover friends. My parents told my friend Kate that they saw her in laying in the middle of our road around 3 a.m., with only the arc of her lit cigarette visable from next door.



The WSJ article is priceless if only for their staid description of a keg stand:
"Roughly 35 kids showed up. Some performed "keg stands," variations on handstands that involve holding beer guzzlers upside-down by their feet, so they can suck beer directly from keg taps."

The article doesn't mention that keg stands get a party started right, as well as quickly. Right?

Springfield, USA

Some people have WAY too much time on their hands but I'm glad for it. Check out this map of Springfield, including the location of businesses such as "Hairy Shearers," "Semi-Painless Dentistry," "The Escalator to Nowhere," "Who's to Know Motel," "Nuts Landing Dog Neutering," "Screaming Monkey Medical Research," "Cinderblock Village," "Armistead Mopeds," "Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific Arena," "Turn Your Head and Coif," "PetroChem" (Proud Makers of Caustic Polypropylene and Malibu Stacey) and "Second Best Western."
Downtown Springfield

Correction of the Day

Pg 6: "THAT wasn't Jam Master Jay the other night at Crobar. It was loud and dark and our intrepid reporter has trouble distinguishing among Grandmaster Flash, DJ Jazzy Jeff, Fab Five Freddy and Ol' Dirty Bastard. Jam Master was murdered two years ago, and we apologize to his family."

Friday, September 10

Sultan of Brunei: Pimp My Ride


If your Rolls ain't sporting gold trim and rims, you need to recognize.

One Hot Beef Injection, coming up


Start fasting now in preparationg for the 96 ounce burger (that's 9 lb., or 4.0823 kg, 0.642857 stone) at Denny's Beer Barrel Pub in Clearfield Pennsylvania.

Poetic Justice Dept.


A jelly bean mosaic portrait in the Ronald Reagan Library. Plans are in place for a french-fry sculpture in Clinton's and a skull-shaped vacuum chamber in Dubya's.

Just your typical dog shoots man story

Pup shoots man, saves litter mates

Spurious arguments for prison reform

Inmates in an Australian prison are getting high by injecting spider venom, says the opposition party in New South Wales.

"It just shows how comfortable they [inmates] are - actually accessing and in this case breeding their own source of venom - their own source of drugs," justice spokesman Andrew Humpherson told reporters. The report showed the state's prisons were "more like a holiday farm", he said.
I wanna visit the holiday farm with YOU, man! By the way, WTF is a holiday farm?

Thursday, September 9

Planet Simpson

I picked up "Planet Simpson" by Chris Turner. Sometimes it takes itself a bit seriously ("Bart Simpson: Punk Icon"?) but it has some priceless marginalia, which I'll be excerpting here.


Real Life Notes from Fox Censors (according to Matt Groening):
- To discourage imitation by young and foolish viewers, when Homer begins to pour the hot wax in his mouth, please have him scream in pain so kids will understand that doing this would actually burn their mouths.
- Although it is only a dream, please do not show Homer holding a sign that reads KILL MY BOY.
- After Marge turns off the light, please substitute a line that's more general, such as 'get away from me' or 'stop that,' instead of 'get off me.'
- Bart's line 'Sod off' and Willie's rejoinder 'I'll give you something to sod off about!' are not acceptable. This phrase refers to sodomy despite your set-up about resodding the lawn.
- It will not be acceptable for Itchy to stab Scratchy in the guts and yank his intestine out and use it as a bungy cord.'

Emeril Bams Groupie


Sunday Bloody Dubya

Brilliant mash-up takes George Bush's voice, recorded from speeches, and has him sing the lyrics to "Sunday Bloody Sunday." Chillingly good.

Meow!

The usually staid NY Times editorial board (they don't call it the Grey Lady for nuthin) gets all snippy up in Dick Cheny's grill over his comments (see below) that a vote for Kerry = inviting a new terrorist attack:

"There is a danger that we'll be hit again no matter who is elected president this November, as President Bush himself has said on many occasions. The danger might be a bit less if the current administration had chosen to spend less on tax cuts for the wealthy and more on protecting our ports, securing nuclear materials in Russia and establishing an enforceable immigration policy that would keep better track of people who enter the country from abroad."
Aw no you didn't!

Wednesday, September 8

Unmitigated Gall: The Return -- now with 33 % less mitigation!

Using its patented "If (something the Bush administration wants to happen doesn't happen) the terrorists have already won," Cheney posits: that a vote for Kerry is a vote for terrorist attacks."'It's absolutely essential that eight weeks from today, on Nov. 2, we make the right choice, because if we make the wrong choice then the danger is that we'll get hit again."
Uh, who is this "we" you're talking about, Dick? Are you thinking about voting for Kerry?

Tuesday, September 7

Welcome to Hollywood Egos and On-Set Interpersonal Conflict, Bitch!

Just Asking...
Is twig-like O.C. actress Mischa Barton wreaking havok on the set of everyone's favorite teen soap?

Is her relationship with burn-out rich-boy (and alleged Jenna Bush romancer) Brandon Davis causing her ex Benjamin McKenzie to make more sideways glances than usual?

Could this on-set discord possibly stem from the fact that Mischa looks good on magazine covers but reached her peak as an actress when she played the Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy victim in "The Sixth Sense?"

And what do the cast members whose opinions really matter -- Peter Gallagher's eyebrows -- think of all this?

Developing....

"A Time for Unmitigated Gall"

You KNOW how they do: The Daily Show on the RNC (large link, Quicktime req'd)

Jon Stewart, Anchor: What did you make of [Monday night’s] focus on September 11th?

Stephen Colbert, Senior Convention Analyst: Well, remember, Jon, 9/11 and its aftermath bring to mind a time of unprecedented national unity when, from the crucible of an unthinkable national tragedy, there arose a steely patriotism transcending ideology and partisanship. That stuff kills in the swing states. Those NASCAR dads suck it down in a feeding tube.

Stewart: So, you had no problem with it.

Colbert: Jon, I found it “crass-tastic.” The message was delivered by Republicans’ most popular figures, John McCain and Rudolph Giuliani, two men of bravery and leadership, qualities the pResident would very much like associated with him.

Stewart: Well, Stephen, let me ask you this. What is [Tuesday night’s] theme?

Colbert: [Tuesday night], Jon, they took [Monday night’s] theme, a Bush victory would bring closure to the 9/11 families, and built on it with a theme of compassion. We heard from widows, orphans, the enfeebled, the limbless – all raising their voice in support of the pResident, whose compassion, like the Olympics, triumphantly springs forth every four years. You see, it all goes with the overall theme of this convention: a time for unmitigated gall.

Stewart: But Stephen, to be perfectly fair, aren’t all political conventions manipulative?

Colbert: No, Jon, to call this convention “manipulative” is to call Marcel Marceau “a little quiet.” These people are artists, operating at the peak of their abilities. For example, take Thursday night’s theme: fuck you, what are you going to do about it?


Monday, September 6

Headline of the day

Reuters:
Bush and Kerry trade blows on jobs
Now that's what i call bipartisanship!

Belated RNC highlights


"Former New York super-mayor Rudy Giuliani tries valiantly to hold onto his escaping soul after delivering a speech in defense of George W. Bush's leadership last night." Via Bunsen [dot] tv

Five things that are getting under Zell Miller’s hide

1. John Kerry openly supports difficult-to-open jars of hard candy
2. Dueling pistols now stored behind the counter at the Wal-Mart
3. Do-nothing liberal colleagues want to cut his generous coffee and Vivarin stipend
4. That ole’ possum just keeps a’gettin’ into his seed corn
5. Who keeps moving his slippers?
Via 5ives.com

Thursday, September 2

GOP dildonics


Via


It's a pillow....with an arm

Death by Ikea

A stampede of hundreds of shoppers in western Saudi Arabia has left at least three people crushed to death. A Saudi man and a Pakistani man were among those killed, officials in the port city of Jeddah said. The incident occurred after shoppers rushed into a branch of Ikea to claim a limited number of credit vouchers being offered to the public. Link

Indians 22, Yankees 0


A reporter for Bloomberg Sports was fired for saying, "The Indians haven't had a victory like this since Little Bighorn."

Wednesday, September 1

Just asking.....



Dubya: Dogfucker?

Fela No Get Enemy


London's Barbican is holding a monthlong festival devoted to Afrobeat founding father Fela Kuti, including concerts by Roy Ayers, Tony Allen and his son Femi Kuti, and a slew of concert films.
Black President: The Art and Legacy of Fela Anikulapo-Kuti -- Link.
Also check out a great profile of Fela in the
Observer.




















If your country has a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire....the A-Team

Following recent news of the A-Team's exoneration of all charges brought against them by the U.S. military, Face, Hannibal, Murdoch and B.A. are now tackling America's urgent security needs.

Threat: Terrorists detonate bomb loaded with nuclear materials in heavily populated area.
Solution: Murdock and Face (plus the requisite token female team member) knock on door of terrorist sleeper cell disguised as pest-control authorities. Meanwhile, Hannibal unleashes cockroaches in air vents to give terrorists the willies. Murdock and Face gain entry. While terrorists' attention is diverted, replace radioactive materials with horse manure. Later, when bomb detonates harmlessly, have B.A. deliver line, "Now that's what I call a dirty bomb."

Defamer -- so wrong yet soooooo right

"Paris Hilton's head touched Christina Aguilera's shoulder at a VMA afterparty, nearly opening up a skank vortex that sucked in Carson Daly's penis. Nearly. Sigh."