Thursday, November 18
The Register snarks: "By the shocked look on the poor girl's face, she has inadvertently picked an inopportune moment to wander onto the set of some hideous Swedish smut production, and has paid the price.
If Vodafone was intending to create a bit of pre-Xmas mobile excitement with the snap, then we reckon it's missed a trick. After all, the full strapline should clearly read: "Free video messaging phone: because Santa comes just once a year".
Monday, November 15
Monday, October 25
1) "Sacred cow my ass!"
2) "I figure since I can't use it at camp x-ray anymore"
3) "Hey, let's snort coke off this donkey's balls."
4) "This is more fun than killing retards!"
5) "That's what you get you gay, liberal, jew bastard!"
6) "And then you just simply put the voter in what
I call the "freedom machine.'"
7) "Abusing steers get me SOOOOO horny. Get it?
Horny? Guys? Huh? .. SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
8) "Then, after world dominion is achieved,
you shall attack mars"
9) "Alright sug' it's time for some unity. And then
we'll do some healing. I'm the president!"
10) "Fuckin' rad!"
Friday, October 22
Hunter speaks:: "If Nixon were running for president today, he would be seen as a 'liberal' candidate, and he would probably win. He was a crook and a bungler, but what the hell? Nixon was a barrel of laughs compared to this gang of thugs from the Halliburton petroleum organization who are running the White House today -- and who will be running it this time next year, if we (the once-proud, once-loved and widely respected "American people") don't rise up like wounded warriors and whack those lying petroleum pimps out of the White House on November 2nd."
Thursday, October 21
This 3 metre monster of a sunfish -- yes, a sunfish, the kind I once caught 50 of off the dock at cape cod when I was 8 -- washed up at the Farewell Spit yesterday.
In related news, my brother Dan is moving to New Zealand today to seek fun and adventure. Good luck bro!
Wednesday, October 20
RED FACES AT ORANGE OVER BLUE PHOTOS
LONDON (Reuters) - Mobile phone firm Orange says its picture messaging service can "make someone feel really special."
But when one customer called the company helpline she received some pictures that made her feel outraged instead.
What she expected was a photo from a customer service representative to make sure her camera phone was working. What she got was a series of close-ups his genitals.
"This ex-employee sent some indecent photographs of himself. He was dismissed within a week," an Orange spokeswoman said on Wednesday.
"We've looked into the matter, collated the information and handed it over to the police."
Worldwide camera phone sales are rising fast and expected to total 150 million this year.
"We are unlikely to read any quote we like more than the one that appears in this morning's New York Times from corporate spokesguy Eric Anderson regarding his company pulling ads from Sinclair stations:
'Burger King wants to maintain neutrality during this election.'"
-- ABCNews' stellar politics newsletter The Note.
"The moose apparently got its antlers tangled in electrical wire before workers farther down the line pulled the line tight," the Fairbanks Daily News reports.
"The prevailing theory is that the moose came across the sagging and swaying wires and, in a testosterone-filled moment, decided to challenge the power line to a fight, as bull moose are known to do during the rut, or mating season."
"It's just an unbelievable story," said Gabriel Marian, president of City Electric Inc., the contractor erecting the power line to the mine. "The only unfortunate part is we had to shoot the moose."
Monday, October 18
A few choice excerpts of the exchange between Stewart and right-wing bow-tie wearer Tucker Carlson:
STEWART: Stop, stop, stop, stop hurting America. ... Right now, you're helping the politicians and the corporations. And we're left out there to mow our lawns.
STEWART: It's not honest. What you do is not honest. What you do is partisan hackery. And I will tell you why I know it.
CARLSON: You had John Kerry on your show and you sniff his throne and you're accusing us of partisan hackery?
STEWART: Absolutely. You're on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls.
CARLSON: Wait. I thought you were going to be funny. Come on. Be funny.
STEWART: No. No. I'm not going to be your monkey.
After Carlson snippishing tells Jon Stewart, "You're funnier on your own show," Stewart responds: "You know what's interesting, though? You're as big a dick on your show as you are on any show."
As the show goes to credits, you can hear Stewart say: "Well, that went well."
Thursday, October 14
"The Texas Department of Public Safety Crime Laboratory Service in Amarillo (Amarillo, Texas) recently received a submission of approximately 70,000 chocolate candies (total net mass 154 kilograms), suspected psilocybin mushroom/chocolate concoctions."
Wednesday, October 13
Friday, October 8
Thursday, October 7
Photos from Spoddy via camera phone, and Flickr's excellent London slide show.
If the blond pillow-fighter in the above photo looks impossibly hot -- she is. One of the London tabloids, ever intent on maximum journalistic verisimilitude, sent along a model and a photographer to the event.
Slate: Some 200,000 civilians were killed in the civil war following the coup, which lasted for the next 40 years. Were all those deaths unforeseen?
Hunt: Deaths? What deaths?
Hunt went on to work on planning the Bay of Pigs invasion, and helping the Bolivians track down and kill Che Guevarra
Slate: Do you think anybody back then was thinking this guy would become a cult figure, that he might be more trouble dead than alive?
Hunt: No, nobody had the foresight for that. … What I thought was great foresight was that the Bolivian colonel had Che's hands cut off.
Slate: Why did he do that?
Hunt: So he couldn't be identified by fingerprints.
As a kicker, Slate's Ann Louise Bardach asks Hunt about Miami CIA station chief David Atlee Phillips, who he hired, and who has been linked by conspiracy theorists (and Oliver Stone. if that's not redundant) to the JFK assasination.
Hunt: [Visibly uncomfortable] I have no comment.
Slate: I know you hired him early on, to work with you in Mexico, to help with Guatemala propaganda.
Hunt: He was one of the best briefers I ever saw.
Slate: And there were even conspiracy theories about you being in Dallas the day JFK was killed.
Hunt: No comment.
Wednesday, October 6
Wednesday, September 29
I'll start off tonight with a confession of my own: My one episode of shoplifting was stealing an Ol' Dirty Bastard poster from a Madison, Wisconsin record store in 1995 at the behest of my Wu-loving roomate Dave. I still live with the guilt.
Now let's compare that with the exploits of Ol' Dirty himself (via Brown Cardigan)
"In 1994 he was shot in the stomach by another rapper.
In 1997 he was jailed for failing to pay child support. At the time he was the father for 13 children, and was failing to pay any financial support for any of them for over a year.
In the greatest ever Grammy's moment he jupmed on stage during Shawn Colvin's Best Album acceptance speech and protested against Puff Daddy winning the Best Rap Album award over the Wu-Tang - 'Wu-Tang is for the children. We teach the children.'
At once stage he insisted on being called Big Baby Jesus.
In one of his numerous court cases, a female prosecutor asked him a question and he responded by saying 'Do I make you horny?' and then fell asleep.
He was once arrested in California for driving without a licence and wearing a bullet proof vest. A few weeks later in New York, he was arrested again for possession of cocaine and driving offences. Numerous other arrests saw him charged with possessing a variety of drugs including 20 vials of crack cocaine on one occasion.
When ODB finally went into rehab he didn't last long. While being transported from the court back to the rehab centre he escaping and spent a month on the run as a fugitive. During this time he recording several tracks with the RZA and performed with the Wu-Tang Clan (with police on the door of the premises at the time). He was eventually arrested signing autographs in a McDonald's car park and sentenced to two to four years jail.
When he was finally released from jail he appeared with Mariah Carey and Damon Dash to announce his signing to Jay-Z's Roc-A-Fella Records label.
Earlier this year he announced he will be running for president. When asked why he was doing this he replied - 'To get pussy'.
He is currently the star of his own reality tv show called 'Stuck to ODB' which challenged a normal person to stay within 10 feet of him for 5 days. The prize for winning on the show is $25,000, which will be probably needed for bail, when you get caught as an accessory to whatever criminal activity Ol' Dirty gets up to in 120 hours you spend with him."
Friday, September 24
The Answer: "Xanax, methamphetamine, Wellbutrin, Celexa, Vicodin, Valium, cocaine, Digoxin,and Chlorpheniramine."
The Question: What were the drugs found in Rick James' corpse?
Ok, I can understand Xanax, meth, Vicodin, Valium & Cocaine -- those are party drugs. Digoxin because crack is bad for your heart, mmmkay? Celexa because who wouldn't be a little depressed to know that your best superfreak years are behind you. But who knew that Rick had clogged-up sinuses? (Chlorpheniramine is an anti-histamine) And, in perhaps the biggest shocker, what about the mindboggling absence of THC in the bloodstream of a man who wrote an entire love song to Mary Jane?
Wednesday, September 22
I got nuthin but love for The Borowitz Report:
"President George W. Bush has sought answers on Iraq from Ken Jennings, the champion of the popular game show “Jeopardy,” White House aides confirmed today.
Mr. Bush first came to believe that Mr. Jennings might have the answers on Iraq when he saw the game-show whiz on television earlier this summer, telling aides, “That there is the smartest man in the world.”
After contacting Mr. Jennings, White House aides began constructing a mock-up of the “Jeopardy!” set in the basement of the White House and enlisted “Jeopardy!” host Alex Trebek to reprise his usual role.
According to those who saw Mr. Jennings play the special Iraqi version, the champ breezed through most of the questions but was stumped when he got to “EXIT STRATEGIES” for $100.
“The most likely outcome of the war in Iraq, this should happen by the end of 2005,” Mr. Trebek read.
“What is civil war and total chaos?” Mr. Jennings guessed.
“No, I’m sorry,” Mr. Trebek replied. “The correct question is, ‘What is a thriving Middle Eastern democracy and a beacon of hope for the entire region?’”
Mr. Bush, disappointed by Mr. Jennings’ performance, reportedly told aides, “Ken Jennings may be the smartest man in the world but when it comes to Iraq he's as dumb as a post.”
Friday, September 17
her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak
from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my
mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some
deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we
can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't
like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the
IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've
got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is
that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
(thanks to Jason)
Thursday, September 16
Misanthropic comedic genius Larry David, fresh from his cameo on Entourage, pens a classic NY Times Op-Ed calling out the Undecided among us.
"The other night I saw a whole gaggle of you on TV in a focus group. You really liked chatting with professional pollster Frank Luntz, didn't you? He seemed very interested in what you had to say. Afterward, I could imagine all of you piling into a bus and heading for Denny's to discuss your exciting evening with Frank. I could see all of you staying friends even after the election. Maybe go on some trips together. Perhaps a wine tour of Tuscany. On bicycles! Oh, the life of the Undecided. Too bad they can't hold these presidential elections more often."
"The truth is, Undecideds, you're getting on our nerves. We Decideds hate all the attention you're getting and that you're jerking us around."
Larry's right -- if you can't make a clear choice between the Dink and this guy by now, I'm not really sure you should be trusted in the voting booth.
-- "Unqeustionably, obit to the commands of terrorists, and then the assents of special task force who should deliver hostages."
-- "Don't be a hero, not having a special preparation."
-- "Look around the where you're about. Find out hide-out where you can hide in case of a cross-fire."
Catherine Zeta-Jones must be getting a bit
nervous about a police visit..."
Wednesday, September 15
The press secreatary at the Kazakh embassy is spitting mad about allegations made by Borat (of "Throw the Jew Down the Well" fame) that a) the national sport is shooting a dog and then having a party b) one can earn a living being a Gypsy catcher c) wine is made from fermented horse urine d) it is customary for a man to grab another man’s khrum and e) “khrum” is the word for testicles.
The New Yorker reports: "While Borat has claimed that 'in Kazakhstan the favorite hobbies are disco dancing, archery, rape, and table tennis,' Vassilenko concedes only the first and the last. Archery is 'not prominent,' he said."
But wait a minute....
So what is the national sport of Kazakhstan? “Kazakhs were traditional nomads, so there are various sports like horse races. Another horseback sport is called something like Catch a—what is name?—Catch a Bride. And that is that a group of young guys race to get a bride, and she races away from them and they have to catch her while she fends them off with a whip.”
dun dun DUN.
View "Throw the Jew" video clip here
Tuesday, September 14
Everything was going so well. Keyser Soze, Jack Vincennes, Lester Burnham. Then it all went off the rails. K-PAX, Pay It Forward, The Life of David Gale. That embarassing 4:30 a.m. "dog walking/mobile phone theft" incident in the park. And now this.
The Sun: "It's Kevin Spray-cey"
My own dear parents adopted this strategy the night of my prom. They camped out next door, peering through the shutters, while my friends and I had a (PG, non rock star, minimal drug use) party in our house.
To their credit, the 'rents only ventured over twice to check up on things. I have a fuzzy recollection of meeting them at the door and pleading with them to go away. I woke up the next morning in their bed with the biggest hangover of my young life to find my mom in the kitchen, cooking breakfast for my similarly hungover friends. My parents told my friend Kate that they saw her in laying in the middle of our road around 3 a.m., with only the arc of her lit cigarette visable from next door.
The WSJ article is priceless if only for their staid description of a keg stand:
"Roughly 35 kids showed up. Some performed "keg stands," variations on handstands that involve holding beer guzzlers upside-down by their feet, so they can suck beer directly from keg taps."
The article doesn't mention that keg stands get a party started right, as well as quickly. Right?
Friday, September 10
"It just shows how comfortable they [inmates] are - actually accessing and in this case breeding their own source of venom - their own source of drugs," justice spokesman Andrew Humpherson told reporters. The report showed the state's prisons were "more like a holiday farm", he said.
I wanna visit the holiday farm with YOU, man! By the way, WTF is a holiday farm?
Thursday, September 9
Real Life Notes from Fox Censors (according to Matt Groening):
- To discourage imitation by young and foolish viewers, when Homer begins to pour the hot wax in his mouth, please have him scream in pain so kids will understand that doing this would actually burn their mouths.
- Although it is only a dream, please do not show Homer holding a sign that reads KILL MY BOY.
- After Marge turns off the light, please substitute a line that's more general, such as 'get away from me' or 'stop that,' instead of 'get off me.'
- Bart's line 'Sod off' and Willie's rejoinder 'I'll give you something to sod off about!' are not acceptable. This phrase refers to sodomy despite your set-up about resodding the lawn.
- It will not be acceptable for Itchy to stab Scratchy in the guts and yank his intestine out and use it as a bungy cord.'
"There is a danger that we'll be hit again no matter who is elected president this November, as President Bush himself has said on many occasions. The danger might be a bit less if the current administration had chosen to spend less on tax cuts for the wealthy and more on protecting our ports, securing nuclear materials in Russia and establishing an enforceable immigration policy that would keep better track of people who enter the country from abroad."
Aw no you didn't!
Wednesday, September 8
Uh, who is this "we" you're talking about, Dick? Are you thinking about voting for Kerry?
Tuesday, September 7
Is twig-like O.C. actress Mischa Barton wreaking havok on the set of everyone's favorite teen soap?
Is her relationship with burn-out rich-boy (and alleged Jenna Bush romancer) Brandon Davis causing her ex Benjamin McKenzie to make more sideways glances than usual?
Could this on-set discord possibly stem from the fact that Mischa looks good on magazine covers but reached her peak as an actress when she played the Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy victim in "The Sixth Sense?"
And what do the cast members whose opinions really matter -- Peter Gallagher's eyebrows -- think of all this?
Jon Stewart, Anchor: What did you make of [Monday night’s] focus on September 11th?
Stephen Colbert, Senior Convention Analyst: Well, remember, Jon, 9/11 and its aftermath bring to mind a time of unprecedented national unity when, from the crucible of an unthinkable national tragedy, there arose a steely patriotism transcending ideology and partisanship. That stuff kills in the swing states. Those NASCAR dads suck it down in a feeding tube.
Stewart: So, you had no problem with it.
Colbert: Jon, I found it “crass-tastic.” The message was delivered by Republicans’ most popular figures, John McCain and Rudolph Giuliani, two men of bravery and leadership, qualities the pResident would very much like associated with him.
Stewart: Well, Stephen, let me ask you this. What is [Tuesday night’s] theme?
Colbert: [Tuesday night], Jon, they took [Monday night’s] theme, a Bush victory would bring closure to the 9/11 families, and built on it with a theme of compassion. We heard from widows, orphans, the enfeebled, the limbless – all raising their voice in support of the pResident, whose compassion, like the Olympics, triumphantly springs forth every four years. You see, it all goes with the overall theme of this convention: a time for unmitigated gall.
Stewart: But Stephen, to be perfectly fair, aren’t all political conventions manipulative?
Colbert: No, Jon, to call this convention “manipulative” is to call Marcel Marceau “a little quiet.” These people are artists, operating at the peak of their abilities. For example, take Thursday night’s theme: fuck you, what are you going to do about it?
Monday, September 6
2. Dueling pistols now stored behind the counter at the Wal-Mart
3. Do-nothing liberal colleagues want to cut his generous coffee and Vivarin stipend
4. That ole’ possum just keeps a’gettin’ into his seed corn
5. Who keeps moving his slippers?
Thursday, September 2
Wednesday, September 1
London's Barbican is holding a monthlong festival devoted to Afrobeat founding father Fela Kuti, including concerts by Roy Ayers, Tony Allen and his son Femi Kuti, and a slew of concert films.
Black President: The Art and Legacy of Fela Anikulapo-Kuti -- Link.
Also check out a great profile of Fela in the
If your country has a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire....the A-Team
Threat: Terrorists detonate bomb loaded with nuclear materials in heavily populated area.
Solution: Murdock and Face (plus the requisite token female team member) knock on door of terrorist sleeper cell disguised as pest-control authorities. Meanwhile, Hannibal unleashes cockroaches in air vents to give terrorists the willies. Murdock and Face gain entry. While terrorists' attention is diverted, replace radioactive materials with horse manure. Later, when bomb detonates harmlessly, have B.A. deliver line, "Now that's what I call a dirty bomb."