Friday, December 19

Rummy & Saddam

I love the OC, bitch

Seth Cohen (played by the hilarious Adam Brody) on having the hots for the totally foxy Anna:
"What? Ahhh. No. Why would you -- I mean, why would you even -- where, you, I, I, I, Anna? Are you totally uh, uh, uh, I don't even -- I don't -- I couldn't. No."

Top 10 OC moments

Beckham and Blair's steamy sauna encounter

Thursday, December 18

World Champion Turkducken Eater

This is Sonya Thomas. The former Burger King manger is currently single.

The 105-lb Thomas scarfed down 9 plates of turducken -- that's a deboned duck stuffed inside a deboned chicken inside a deboned turkey, with three kinds of stuffing in between -- in 15 mins.



Wednesday, December 17

The Onion on Drinking During the Holidays

"Before heading out to the office holiday party, tape a handcuff key to the inside of your watchband. Just trust us on this one."

Separated at birth?

(via bunsen)

Tuesday, December 16

OutKast and Poloroid, Pt II

In recognition of "Hey Ya!" hitting number one on the singles charts, Poloroid is sending cameras to Andre and Big Boi (even tho it's only Andre's song) and "inviting employees to dress up like OutKast band members and, of course, 'Shake It Like a Poloroid Picture.'"

Jeff Carpenter, National Sales & Marketing manager, Polaroid Canada

So you want your employees to wear hotpants, jodphurs and feather boas and then dance like strippers in the employee cafeteria? Ok! But, uh, Jeff, I don't think the boyz from Atlanta really go for straw hats.

Demands Made by Saddam Hussein in Return for His Peaceful Surrender

--That the Great Satan immediately surrender to the newly-established Noble Iraqi Eight-Foot Dirty Hole Republic, headed by president-for-life Saddam Hussein

--That John Ashcroft represent him in his battle to wrest the trademark for "Eight-Foot Dirty Hole" from Paris Hilton

--That his son Uday's gay tiger, Mandor, be immediately installed as a "man-eating" consultant on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy

Link (From bunsen)

Monday, December 15

Pre-IPO, Google already feeling flush

Ok, I think the media saturation on Google is getting a bit out of hand, but this article on the company's new Jasmin toilets is great stuff:

"It's the buttons indicating the gender of Jasmin's user -- crucial information for determining the direction of the water stream -- that has been a real problem.
A small ponytail is added to one icon so users can let Jasmin know. Of course -- particularly in the tech world, and in the Bay Area -- the ponytail is no longer gender specific. And hitting the wrong button has its consequences.
'That can be quite a surprise,' Google's Larry Page noted."


From a Website selling the $1200 Jasmin:

"Pamper yourself with Jasmin's gentle aerated front and rear cleansing feature. Activated by a convenient remote control, the Jasmin allows you to adjust the water temperature, water pressure, and the direction of the gentle aerated stream. The massage feature uses a gentle cycling action that alternates between front and rear washing for unparalleled comfort."

Friday, December 12

The Apt Nickname Dept

Englishman sentenced to six years in jail for doctoring 450 tons of chicken and turkey -- "butchered in sewage ridden and rat infested premises in Denby and driven to customers in vans crawling with insects" -- to make it appear healthy.

His nickname, and I don't know how this wasn't a tip-off to his clients, was Maggot Pete. Would you buy meat from this man?


Thursday, December 11

Mr. Gawky Bird Bitch-slaps Photog

Gwyneth Coldplay-Paltrow "was behaving very strangely, going to great lengths to hide her left hand with her grey hoodie top. I have no idea why."

Shake It Like a Polaroid Picture

Camera maker's stock price climbs after Andre 3000 exhorts the nation to move their posteriors in a manner akin to that of co.'s product --- coincidence????


Wednesday, December 10

Neocons for Dean

Ok, so it's more like a college football coach trying to convince his powerhouse team not to get overconfident, but uber-con William Kristol thinks Dean could beat Dubya

Return of the Power Lunch

"Over at the Four Seasons, events of some significance are on the menu along with the white truffle risotto ($130 for an appetizer portion) and grilled dorade. On Nov. 20, Edgar Bronfman Jr. and Roger Ames spent a good long while chatting amiably with heads bent toward each other while other captains of industry, including Ronald O. Perelman, Steven Rattner and Ronald S. Lauder, casually took in the significance of the pairing. A few days later, Warner Music, of which Mr. Ames is chairman, was sold to a group headed by Mr. Bronfman for $2.6 billion, which sort of puts the price of risotto in perspective."

Tuesday, December 9

Funk. Uncut Funk. Tha Bomb

George Clinton arrested for cocaine possession. Crack pipe in his car. The man was *not* looking good in his mug shot.


Monday, December 8

Jimmy Fallon vs Paris Hilton

Everybody's favorite amateur video star trades double entendres on SNL:

JF: We want to find about you, Paris Hilton. Your family...the Hiltons own hotels all around the world.
PH: Yes, in New York, London, Paris.
JF: Wait, there actually is a Paris Hilton?
PH: Yes, there is.
JF: Is it hard to get into the Paris Hilton?
PH: Actually, it's a very exclusive hotel, no matter what you've heard.
JF: Is there double occupancy at the Paris Hilton?
PH: No.
JF: Is the Paris Hilton very roomy?
PH: It might be for you. But most people find it very comfortable.
JF: I'm a VIP, I might need to go through the back entrance.
PH: Doesn't matter who are you – it's not going to happen.
JF: Fair enough, okay. I throw a lot of events. Do they have ballrooms there?
PH: We do.
JF: Great, I'd love to have my balls held by the Paris Hilton.

Link (via Gothamist)

Kerry: Bush effed up Iraq

Fading Dem candidate John Kerry, perhaps attempting to match Wesley Clark's well-received ad giving props to Outkast, unleases the f-bomb against Dubya: "Did I expect Howard Dean to go off to the left and say, 'I'm against everything'? Sure. Did I expect George Bush to f - - - it up as badly as he did? I don't think anybody did,' Kerry told Rolling Stone.

Friday, December 5 customer advice

If you liked Michael Jackson's "Number Ones" you might also like
-- Thank Heaven for Little Boys - 6 Piece Gift Set
-- Identifying Child Molesters: Preventing Child Sexual Abuse by Recognizing the Patterns of the Offenders
-- Coping With Prison: A Guide to Practitioners on the Realities of Imprisonment


Do You Want Jail With That?

Woman gets 10 years in the slammer for running over a Mickey D's manager. The perp had wanted mayo (???) on her burger. Link

Thursday, December 4

Suggested Names for the Gwyneth/Chris Martin of Coldplay Bastard*

--Gwyneth Paltrow, Jr.

--Christopher Martin of Coldplay, Jr.

--Paris Hilton Paltrow-Martin**

--Anonymous Neverland Litigant #1438 (male baby only)

--Totally Over Ben So The Moody Limey Singer Will Do Paltrow-Martin

--Shakespeare In Utero

--If I Name Her Jennifer Do You Suppose Ben Will Notice Me Martin-Paltrow

--Jaylowe Paltrow I'm Not Taking Any Chances At Ben Not Noticing Martin


[*I acknowledge that the couple in question already may be secretly married or may choose to marry and confer technical legitimacy on the child before its birth next summer. Additionally, everyone knows that talent is diluted as it's passed down, so the best the poor kid can shoot for is a Daytime Emmy or an American Music Award.]

[**So fucking sue me, that bag of sex-tape bones is haunting my dreams!]

Wednesday, December 3