Wednesday, October 29

Online confessional. An excerpt: I have problems going to the toilet when other people are around. I can't stand them hearing my poo and pee noises. Sometimes, I take my car and go pooping in the woods at lunchtime.

Get Your War On anew

"Since the smoking gun didn't come in the form of a mushroom cloud, what form will the smoking gun come in?"
"The smoking gun will come in the form of a completely disassembled gun that is not smoking, because it exists only in the form of a future potential possibility of creating the conditions that may eventually lead to the assembly of a gun which may one day smoke. At which point you will die. get your war on, pg 26

Radar gun for your nose

Smell Rangers sniff out odors at big farms

Tuesday, October 28

Hi! I'm Troy McClure!

You may remember me from such ringtones as "I told you not to call me here" and "Why don't you ever come home and spend time with me and the children."

I like it

The new single from The Strokes, "12:51"

Like Chess for Stupid People

The Official Rock Paper Scissors Strategy Guide. The World RPS Society is also preparing what is sure to be a barn-burner of a DVD. No lie.

Ohboy Ohboy Ohboy

The third season of '24' starts tonight. The NYTimes snarks, "Hitchcock used the word "MacGuffin" to describe the arbitrary thing (baby tiger, Maltese Falcon) that brings characters together in a movie plot; on "24," Kim is the MacIdiot, a character whose time-consuming missteps help postpone closure."


Wednesday, October 22

Gov. Ahnold, I presume

Deeply frightening Japanese commercials done by the Governator back in the 1990s.

Thursday, October 16

Just what the world needs Department

The lovable, cuddly Department of Defense is researching a new breed of Gamma-ray weapons based on everyone's favorite adorable isotope, "hafnium178m2." One gram could store more energy than 50 kilos of dynamite.

"The effect of a nuclear-isomer explosion would be to release high-energy gamma rays capable of killing any living thing in the immediate area. It would cause little fallout compared to a fission explosion, but any undetonated isomer would be dispersed as small radioactive particles, making it a somewhat "dirty" bomb."


Cubs lose, Apocolypse averted


The Chicago Cubs choked away a three-run lead with their best pitcher on the mound, a mere six outs away from their first World Series trip since the Battle of Hastings in 1066. This delayed one half of a possible Seventh Seal Series featured those lovable, hapless Cubbies and their diamond foils in futility, the profoundly evil Boston Red Sox, who dutifully capitulated to the New York Yankees. The Red Sox have suffered a similar drought in World Series championships, last winning when their ancestors in the English Imperial Rounders League, the Shropshire Long-Stockinged Dandies, at the high tea immediately following the signing of the Magna Carta in 1215.


Please, Sox and Cubs, don't steam off the envelope glue of the infinite just to "Reverse the Curse" or "Beat to Death the Billy Goat," I like my life, and it would be much harder to enjoy my escapades if everything is reduced to primordial soup.

Go Yankees.

[Ed: I hate the Yankees but you have to admit that's comedy gold]

Top Wedding Songs

According to an industry poll of Wedding DJs, these are tops. Electric Boogie and YMCA are 1 and 2, predictably, but for me the surprise top-10 finisher has to be 'Brick House' (a surprise at #9). And of course, what wedding reception would be complete without that age-old tribute to love and matrimony, Juvenile's "Back That Thing Up"?

As for me, I can proudly say the missus and I played (from custom burned CDs) no more than a handful of the 101 favorites, and that the party ended with Kelly desperately scanning through the CD to find NWA while everyone was waiting in our big, white wedding bus.


Republicans for Hillary in '04

From Slate's Timothy Noah:

"Last month, Chatterbox pointed out that the movement to draft Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-N.Y., to run for president in 2004 was unlikely to succeed because it consisted almost entirely of conservative Republicans.

The right's fixation on a Hillary run reflects GOP fund-raising imperatives, a longing to unite a splintered conservative movement, and the widespread winger conviction that the Clintons are vampires who cannot be killed and will come back to haunt the GOP again and again. Never mind that Sen. Clinton has repeatedly stated that she will not run for president in 2004 and that there's little inclination among Democrats to change her mind.

Now the story has entered its inevitable second phase. Having previously established to its satisfaction that Hillary is a candidate, the right is now knocking her for running a lousy campaign! Our text is an Oct. 13 dispatch on the Fox News Web site, headlined, 'Clock Ticking for a Hillary Presidential Bid.' The report notes that Hillary has dithered so long that 'the drop-dead date has already passed' for a plausible candidacy. Stupid bitch! Her husband declared his candidacy on Oct. 4, 1991, and ever since, that date has been accepted by Democrats as an absolute deadline. (Nobody would dare out-procrastinate Slick Willie.)

We now return to our regularly scheduled universe."

My life will not be complete...

...until I am in possession of a robot panda.

Colin Powell Aide Says Case for War Bogus

Greg Thielmann says the the decision to go to war was made first, and then the intelligence was interpreted to fit that conclusion.

At the time of Powell's speech, Thielmann says that Iraq didn't pose an imminent threat to anyone: “I think it didn't even constitute an imminent threat to its neighbors at the time we went to war.”


Fire in the Sky

NASA mystified by explosive fireball in the sky captured by a teenage photographer taking photographs of his friends skateboarding.

After examining the same phenomonon in a separate photograph , it turns out the fireball may have been the contrail from the Concorde reflecting the sunset (!)

Monday, October 13

Eternal Questions Answered Dept.

What, or who, is the Best Boy listed in movie credits?

Friday, October 10

The I Can't Believe I'm Losing to this Guy Dept

Guess who said the following: "The best way to get the news is from objective sources, and the most objective sources I have are people on my staff who tell me what’s happening in the world."


Terri Bauer: The Revenge

Here's hoping she can avoid amnesia this time. And when do we get our Nina spin-off?

Casino magnate blames Roy tiger attack on "woman with big hair"

"'As Roy was leading Montecore out to stage front on a leash, the cat became fascinated and distracted by woman with a big hairdo in the front row. Instead of Montecore going down facing forward with Roy, he did a 90-degree turn and faced sideways towards the woman with the big hairdo. For whatever reason, Montecore was fascinated and distracted by the guest sitting ringside.'

'Montecore got down on all fours and puts his 26-inch head four inches away from of the woman. She thinks this is adorable and part of the show and reaches out to try and rub him under his chin. Roy is talking and sees this move. That's way wrong all the way around. As usual the heroic fellow that he is, Roy jumps between the woman and the tiger.'"


Craigslist: Happy Ending for a Yankees playoff ticket

Two Yankees fans offering, er, a yank for a ticket to the Yankees-Red Sox game. 'Two hot females will exchange four-hand sensual massage for Yanks tickets . . . That's correct. My friend and I do this from time to time and so we are really really good at it . . . It is unbelievable. It ends as happily as we hope the Yankee game will. Serious replies only.' "

Link from Page Six

Thursday, October 9

Take It With a Grain of Salt Dept.

Mickey Kaus has a perverse, yet oddly compelling account of why he voted for Schwarzenegger.

"Schwarzenegger puts to voters, in a particularly sharp way, the same question Clinton put to voters: Can you separate personal failings from performance in office. Except that in Schwarzenegger's case the dilemma is worse, because--as an LAT editorial perceptively noted--Schwarzenegger's flaws are the very things that might actually help him perform better in office. Maybe a governor who is manipulative and mean is just the man to subdue the unions, the casino tribes and entrenched, free-spending legislators.


In a perverse way, I think Schwarzenegger's character defects may even serve as a valuable protection against the dangers of his ascendancy. It's not just that he will be on his best behavior toward women, or that he will take special care not to come across as an authoritarian who disrespects the "little men" and "losers." It's that the defects in all their ugliness are now visible to everyone--they've done their damage, making it impossible for him to think about building the sort of cult of personality his Nuremberg-rally fantasies might otherwise tempt him to build. We know he's a pig. We're not going to love him. If he's going to keep our loyalty it will have to be by producing actual results: a slimmed down government, a balanced budget, better schools, a better business climate, etc.

And if he doesn't--hey, we can always recall him."

Bill O'Reilly vs Terri Gross


It begins....

"Arnold Schwarzenegger strongly suggested that he would call on President Bush to provide federal aid to California..."

How you going to deal with that deficit, Arnie?

"I campaigned that I will not raise taxes and I say this again, I will not raise taxes," said Schwarzenegger.


Wednesday, October 8

Martha Washington was a hip, hip lady

Amazing Texas Monthly (reg req'd) article on a Dazed and Confused cast reunion.

Almost as interesting as the people who got their start in the movie -- Bafleck, Matthew McConaughey, Renee Zellweger, et al -- are those who auditioned but didn't make it: Vince Vaughn, Claire Daines and Ashley Judd.

Here's the unlikely story of how McConaughey hit it big:

It was, like, a Thursday night that summer, man, and I wanted to stay in and watch some flick, but my girlfriend talked me into going out to have some drinks. There was this bartender I knew from film school who worked at the [Austin] Hyatt and would give us a discount, so we went there. And when we walk in, he's there, and he goes, "Hey, man, the guy down at the end of the bar is in town producing a film." So I went down and introduced myself.

Forgotten Celebrity Animal Tragedies

The Siegfried & Roy tiger-mauling is only the latest in a long string of mishaps:

--Grizzly Adams was sodomized by Gentle Ben during a three-legged race in a 1979 edition of Battle of the Network Stars

--Emmanuel Lewis was carried off by a hawk early in the second season of Webster, unharmed thanks to the heroic sharpshooting of Alex Karras

--On the set of 'Conan the Destroyer,' Arnold Schwarzenegger cupped twelve engorged teats of a sow, calling it 'Good, clean fun on the set that I somewhat regret'"


The California Governor's Race in a Nutshell

Failed ubernatorial candidate/porn star Mary Carey, in her concession speech: "Arnold, if you ever need advice on the state of California or want to grope another girl, call me."

Tuesday, October 7

What About the Charger?

Blame Nokia: Administrators at a British prison say mobile phones have gotten so small that inmates are smuggling them in by concealing them "inside their body crevices."

Radio Rajeed: The Next Generation

Boom box refitted as a WiFi-enabled MP3 player.

'Plug and Play'

For the erotically challenged geek: a USB-powered vibrator