Friday, August 29

Bad Shit in Baghdad

Salam Pax, the Baghdad Blogger, has his house searched by U.S. Soldiers.

They have been “informed” that there are daily meetings the last five days, Sudanese people come into our house at 9am and stay till 3pm, we are a probable Ansar cell. My father is totally baffled, my brother gets it. These are not Sudanese men they are from Basra the “informer” is stupid enough to forget that there is a sizeable population in Basra who are of African origin. And it is not meetings these 2 (yes only two) guys have here, they are carpenters and they were repairing my mom’s kitchen. Way. To. Go. You have great informers.

Link

Run, Hillary, Run?

Low Shrub poll numbers are reportedly -- I smell a trial balloon -- prompting HRC to rethink her plans. She may be the best-loved Democrat in the country, but I suspect she's unelectable. Too many people hate her guts with a bright burning passion. Link

Wednesday, August 20

Free Willy...KILL! KILL!

Family's terror as whale leaps on yacht
Nobody fucks with the Jesus. Link

Magnet for Evil

Tell it, Maureen Dowd: "The Bush team has now created the very monster that it conjured up to alarm Americans into backing a war on Iraq."

Tuesday, August 19

Party Train!

Reuters and the 3 Martini Lunch

Reuters CEO Tom Glocer berates sales staff -- he didn't bother sending the memo to journalists, as it's probably a lost cause -- for having alcohol on their breath during sales calls.
Link

Google Search: answer to life, the universe and everything

Those wacky Googlistas! Link

UPDATE: Those Princeton eggheads still haven't figured out the thorniest metaphysical question of our time: Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot that he himself could not eat it?

Listen for yourself

Gelato-related Cruelty

As if the Great Blackout O' Ought Three didn't make me homesick enough for New York, why must I read about the best ice cream shop on Earth giving away all of its delicously creamy wares --- MMMM....HAZELNUT GELATO...*DROOOOOL* -- at a steep, steep discount? link Why dost thou mock me, blackout gods??

Lazyman Tapas

Kelly and I were too wiped yesterday to do anything but sit on the couch, watch "Masterminds," an extremely mundane yet strangely gripping Brit gameshow, and eat meat, cheese, bread and tomatoes off a cutting board. It was only jamon serrano -- not the £150/kilo Iberico ham, made from pigs raised on acorns and aged for 3 years -- but it was still damn good.

Paul Newman Is Still HUD

Lefty actor pens an excellent New York Times Op-Ed poking fun at Fox News for suing Al Franken over use of the phrase "fair and balanced."

"In the 1963 film "HUD," for which Mr. Newman was nominated for an Academy Award, the ad campaign was based on the slogan, "Paul Newman is HUD." Mr. Newman claims that the Department of Housing and Urban Development, called HUD, is a fair and balanced institution and that some of its decency and respectability has unfairly rubbed off on his movie character, diluting the rotten, self-important, free-trade, corrupt conservative image that Mr. Newman worked so hard to project in the film."

Newman also gives a shout out to the (presumably fictional?) Ypsilanti Hot Dog and Bean Shop for joining the "coalition of the willing."

Monday, August 18

Blackout Bootyfest

Craigslist missed connections

Get Well Soon, Merissa!

please send your healing thoughts and prayers to my friend Merissa, who bruised her coccyx this weekend while defending helpless children from a rabid biker gang. ok, she fell down the stairs, but does that make her any less deserving?

Superpower Ironies

Jon Stewart on Liberia: You know what it's like with invasions... The countries that want you to invade them, you don't want to invade, and the countries that don't want you to invade them ... you just gotta invade 'em.
Link

Shady Diet Underworld

UK science board gets busted for blasting the Atkins diet after receiving a £10,000 payoff from -- I'm not making this up -- the Flour Advisory Board, a carbohydrate lobbying body!!!

Sunday, August 17

Organic Orthodoxy Dept

K. and I were looking for a nice place to eat dinner on Saturday before I had to work the nightshift, but unfortunately we went to a pompous "organic" gastropub called the Duke of Cambridge. We could really feel the organicnous (organicity? organicismo?) in the green slime on her chicken liver pate, in the grey lumps of chicken in my entree, and in the 40 minutes it took for our waitress to find her way to our table.

Oh and don't get me started on the word 'gastropub', or the fact that organic means 'carbon-based', so if your food isn't organic it's probably from another planet.



The Long Slow March to Alcoholism...

...has to begin with a pitcher of perfectly mixed Brambles in the garden on a steamy but slowly cooling summer evening.

This drink -- especially when mixed to perfection at our favorite extortionate cocktail bar a few blocks over -- is so outta sight that one is tempted to have one for breakfast, one for brunch, one in the middle of the night when you wake up thirsty for its tart, blackberry goodness....if it weren't such a fucking bitch to juice all those lemons.

Last Stop on the Warholian Express

C-list -- no, make that Z-list -- cebrities like Lorenzo Lamas and Todd Bridges available for happy birthday, get well soon phone calls. Link.

But why not save some money ($10 vs $30) and get a Monkey Phonecall instad?

Thursday, August 14

Creative Pranks Dept

upper tanker
"uh-per tank-er"
Dropping a dookie log in the upper tank of a toilet. Also known as "2000 Flushes Brown" and "The Gift That Keeps On Giving."

Usage: "The people at that fondue party were such pretentious losers that I had no choice but to give 'em the old upper tanker."

Link

Unconventional Warfare Dept

If only I was still living in Brooklyn I wouldn't have missed the Dumbo Condiment War.

"The cops came but they only laughed. What were they going to do? Arrest 100 people covered in mustard? A neighborhood woman walked by and yelled at everyone about the mess, and at last, it seemed like things were coming to an end. There was no clear winner, except, of course, America. Take that terrorists!"

More photos and coverage here.

Evil Monopoly Department

I tried out Micro$$oft's new music service -- i wanted to try a month (at £5/per) and they signed me up for a whole year! Here's my online chat with a MSN service rep:

****

Topic: I've just signed up for the monthly plan on MSN Music -- when I checked my settings I see it signed me up for a full year. Nowhere on the site did it say I was committing to a year's subscription. How can I change this?
Alfred Hello Adam. Welcome to MSN Interactive Online Support, my name is Alfred, your online Microsoft Support Professional.

Adam hello alfred

Alfred I understand you want to confirm your MSN Radio account. Am I correct?

Adam no

Adam this is the new msn music club -- a download service -- that launched today

Adam i want to change the terms of my account -- i did not understand or agree to a full year's subscription, only a month-by-month plan

Alfred Okay Adam, please wait for a moment.

Alfred Thanks for waiting.

Alfred I would have gladly assisted you with your issue however, I am sorry to inform you that my expertise is for MSN Internet Access accounts & Billing.

Adam who can help me

Alfred Let me send you the page which would help you with your issue.

Alfred The page might appear in a separate window, but you can still contact me by minimizing that window and returning to our original chat.

Adam NO -- i need to speak, or at least chat, with a real person please

Alfred Adam, as I am trained only for MSN Internet Access Billing issues, I do not have information regarding MSN Music.

Adam ok, but there must be some customer support for msn music

Alfred But I am sending you the page which may help you with your issue.

Adam alfred, i've gone over the help section of the site extensively, and it did not help

Alfred Adam, I would suggest you to click on the "Contact Us" link on the home page of MSN Music site.

Adam yes, i did, and all it gives is a generic email help form

Adam i find it impossible to believe that microsoft has not provided for a help desk for their new, important, very high profile download service

Alfred Adam, they have support services only through email.

Alfred I suggest you to contact them through email support.

Adam well, excuse me for being rude, but that is idiotic

(AT THIS POINT I SIGNED OFF IN ANGER AND THREW DARTS AT MY CUSTOM-MADE BILL GATES DARTBOARD)

Alfred I really apologise for the inconvenience caused.

Alfred I would be more than happy to help you, but I am unable to help you directly due to my limited support boundaries.

Alfred Do you have any other MSN Internet Access Accounts and Billing inquiries which I may assist you with?

Alfred I am waiting for your response.

Alfred I am still awaiting a response from you.

Alfred Since you have not responded, I am unable to assist you further at this moment. However, please feel free to login again if you have further
questions as we are here to assist you 24 hrs, 7 days a week.

Alfred For your own records, I'll send you a copy of our chat. Thanks Adam, for using MSN Interactive Online Support.

Alfred Have a great week ahead.

Alfred Bye and take care.

Tuesday, August 12

Worst...Product Placement.....Ever

From NBC's reality show 'The Restaurant' "A weary Rocco reviews the restaurant's financials after a particularly draining day. He's slumped in a chair, fretting that more money is going out than coming in. Suddenly he announces, awkwardly, 'I know what I'll do. I'll have Stacy apply for a line of credit from American Express' Open: The Small Business Network.' The camera then cuts to a shot of Stacy at AmEx's Open Web site. " Link:

Department of Competitive Suckling

Berkeley breast-feeders beat lactating Aussies

Monday, August 11

Eigenradio

The statistically optimal music since 2003. Link

Thursday, August 7

The How Quickly We Forget Department

Here's the 2001 Premier magazine story about Ahnohld's groping, whoring, and heart problems that at the time I thought might scupper his political dreams forever. Sadly, it seems I was wrong.

"Anna Richardson of Big Screen claims that after the cameras stopped rolling for her interview segment, Schwarzenegger, apparently attempting to ascertain whether Richardson's breasts were real, tweaked her nipple and then laughed at her objections."

(you have to scroll down a bit to find the story, entitled "Arnold the Barbarian")

The Just When Your Thought It Couldn't Get Any Worse Department

Ahnold "McBain" Schwarzenegger vows to pump up Sacramento. (Dude, you just quoted a parody of yourself -- that's so, like, meta!)

The Sperminator attempts to immunize himself from (pervasive, inevitable, completely justified) womanizing/sexual assault accusations by saying: "I know they're gowing to throw everything at me ... that I'm a womanizer and a terrible guy ... You all know that Gray Davis knows how to run a dirty campaign better than anyone but he doesn't know how to run a state."

Nice soundbite, ahnold -- you're still an ass.

Oh and one more thing: In the photo accompanying the article, is it my imagination or is arnie wearning an enormous topaz ring of some sort?? is that the source of his superhuman strength?

(Update: the ring appears to be lapus lazuili)

Fascist Honeybees

Fascinating Nature article about the battle between anarchy and social order in beehives.

Renegade honeybees can rebel by laying their own eggs, instead of raising the queen's offspring. Since that would result in the collapse of the hive, bees have evolved "a police force so pervasive that it rivals the former East Germany's infamous Stasi."

The article also describes how scientists have isolated anarchist bees (do they carve the symbol into the honeycomb?) that go their own way.

"Oldroyd and his team are trying to identify the genes that influence anarchic behaviour. If they can find them, it will provide a long-awaited mechanism for theories about animal conflict and cooperation. 'Anarchy genes are genes for selfishness, and anti-anarchy genes are genes for altruism,' says Oldroyd."

Wednesday, August 6

Uncomfortably Funny Criticism Department

The Daily Show's Stephen Colbert on the Role Of Media During Wartime.

"As a responsible journalist, I've taken my doubts, fears, moral compass, conscience and all pervading skepticism about the very nature of this war and placed them in this empty Altoids box. That is where they'll stay, safe and sound, until Iraq is liberated."
Justin Timberlake vs 50 Cent
Free Love on the Freelove Freeway
The Bend Over and Kiss Your Rights Goodbye Department
Man jailed for linking to bomb Web sites. How is this not a clear First Amendment case? Even worse: "Austin said he took a plea bargain because he feared his case was eligible for a terrorism enhancement, which could have added 20 years to his sentence."
French tennis dad poisons son's rivals, resulting in one death and several hospitalizations.
My friend Dost is spending two years in a remote Panamanian village with the Peace Corp. For a little companionship, she's gotten a Kinkajou for a pet.

Tuesday, August 5

"Several Things Slightly Easier to Do Than 'Creatively Ridiculing' the Ill-Conceived J.Lo/Affleck Star Vehicle Gigli::

--Speculating that the $3.8 million dollars Gigli earned at the box office came from the purchase of two $1.9 million tickets purchased by Ben and Jen

--Helpfully noting that the difficult-to-pronounce Gigli rhymes with 'cinematic ass rape'

--Digressively commenting that Kobe Bryant's weekend appearance at the Teen Choice Awards 'writes its own punchline,' then going on to note that former Teen Choice honorees included R. Kelly, Roman Polanski, and Jerry Lee Lewis (to cover all my demographic bases) and that next year's guests will include the guy that zaps the Olsen Twins at the stroke of midnight on their 18th birthday and that man's name very well could end in --ffleck, a speculation that makes this list entry once again relevant to the topic at hand

Also check out the maybe fake/maybe real Staring Contest with Christopher Walken
We had fire "training" today at work. Here's an actual quote: "you also have to watch out for for arson. a fire is set every three minutes in england. just the other day, someone put a little child in a barrel and set it on fire. i'm not saying that could happen in the workplace, but you have to be careful."

Sometimes I think "The Office" has ruined office life for me.
New York City announce plans to prosecute rapists based solely on a DNA profile, before the suspect is even identified. It's an attempt to beat the 10-year statute of limitations (which seems absurdly short).
Department of One More Thing to Worry About
Nobody really knows what time it is -- and I'm not speaking metaphorically.

Monday, August 4

"We had a good Cabinet meeting, talked about a lot of issues. Secretary of State and Defense brought us up to date about our desires to spread freedom and peace around the world."—

Shrub, Aug. 1
Instant Karmic Retribution Department
Flashers Beware
When Locking the Door Isn't Enough
Thieves Make Off With Calif. Man's House
The victim has put up posters in the area with pictures of the stolen domicile -- Have You Seen This House???
Berlin Flash Mob
"This is just the sort of thing that happens when you forbid New York to smoke."
Department of Karmic Justice
J. Lo and Bafflack Finally Get Some Privacy

Friday, August 1

A handy guide to crapping in the workplace
Check out definitions for the 'Watermelon', 'Turd Burgler', 'Uncle Ted' and the dreaded 'Havana Omelette'
Don't you just hate it when fly-like parasites keep emerging from your genitals?

"Doctors carried out a cystoscopy to clear the boy's urinary tract, but the treatment has failed because two more flies emerged out of his penis on Monday."

(via Dave Barry's blog)
Excellent blog on life in Antarctica. Excerpt: the typical Antarctic winter is "an unnerving event that drives the typical American to New Zealand gasping for sushi and whores."
Boston subway riders vomit as women gives birth.
After leaving the train and heading for the stairs up to the station's main lobby, witnesses said, the placenta fell to the platform. Judge turned around, grabbed the afterbirth, put it in her shoulder bag, and headed upstairs.

''She just literally picked it up with her hand and put it in some kind of bag she was carrying, and this was in mid-stride . . . It was the craziest thing I've ever seen,'' said Robert Busby, of Weymouth.
Oh...my....God
A demented group of college students are encouraging people to post this flyer in publics toilets everywhere, then send in a picture: Jeff Goldblum is Watching You Poop
Shug Knight and the Death Row murders
Justin Timberlake is pelted with garbage when he joins the Rolling Stones on stage.
Dude, what did you expect? I appreciate you're trying to broaden your appeal and all, but I really don't think you're going to have much luck with the Stones' demographic (i.e. people who don't understand that the band's best days are about 30 years behind them, and still turn out for a greatest hits rendition)
American Gallery of Psychiatric Art
Flying Machines
I know what I'm doing this weekend in London....