Friday, December 19

Rummy & Saddam

I love the OC, bitch


Seth Cohen (played by the hilarious Adam Brody) on having the hots for the totally foxy Anna:
"What? Ahhh. No. Why would you -- I mean, why would you even -- where, you, I, I, I, Anna? Are you totally uh, uh, uh, I don't even -- I don't -- I couldn't. No."

Top 10 OC moments

Beckham and Blair's steamy sauna encounter


Thursday, December 18

World Champion Turkducken Eater


This is Sonya Thomas. The former Burger King manger is currently single.

The 105-lb Thomas scarfed down 9 plates of turducken -- that's a deboned duck stuffed inside a deboned chicken inside a deboned turkey, with three kinds of stuffing in between -- in 15 mins.


Mmmmmmmmmm.....turducken.......

Link

Wednesday, December 17

The Onion on Drinking During the Holidays

"Before heading out to the office holiday party, tape a handcuff key to the inside of your watchband. Just trust us on this one."
Link

Separated at birth?


(via bunsen)

Tuesday, December 16

OutKast and Poloroid, Pt II

In recognition of "Hey Ya!" hitting number one on the singles charts, Poloroid is sending cameras to Andre and Big Boi (even tho it's only Andre's song) and "inviting employees to dress up like OutKast band members and, of course, 'Shake It Like a Poloroid Picture.'"


Jeff Carpenter, National Sales & Marketing manager, Polaroid Canada

So you want your employees to wear hotpants, jodphurs and feather boas and then dance like strippers in the employee cafeteria? Ok! But, uh, Jeff, I don't think the boyz from Atlanta really go for straw hats.
Link

Demands Made by Saddam Hussein in Return for His Peaceful Surrender

--That the Great Satan immediately surrender to the newly-established Noble Iraqi Eight-Foot Dirty Hole Republic, headed by president-for-life Saddam Hussein

--That John Ashcroft represent him in his battle to wrest the trademark for "Eight-Foot Dirty Hole" from Paris Hilton

--That his son Uday's gay tiger, Mandor, be immediately installed as a "man-eating" consultant on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy

Link (From bunsen)

Monday, December 15

Pre-IPO, Google already feeling flush



Ok, I think the media saturation on Google is getting a bit out of hand, but this article on the company's new Jasmin toilets is great stuff:

"It's the buttons indicating the gender of Jasmin's user -- crucial information for determining the direction of the water stream -- that has been a real problem.
A small ponytail is added to one icon so users can let Jasmin know. Of course -- particularly in the tech world, and in the Bay Area -- the ponytail is no longer gender specific. And hitting the wrong button has its consequences.
'That can be quite a surprise,' Google's Larry Page noted."

Link

From a Website selling the $1200 Jasmin:

"Pamper yourself with Jasmin's gentle aerated front and rear cleansing feature. Activated by a convenient remote control, the Jasmin allows you to adjust the water temperature, water pressure, and the direction of the gentle aerated stream. The massage feature uses a gentle cycling action that alternates between front and rear washing for unparalleled comfort."





Friday, December 12

The Apt Nickname Dept

Englishman sentenced to six years in jail for doctoring 450 tons of chicken and turkey -- "butchered in sewage ridden and rat infested premises in Denby and driven to customers in vans crawling with insects" -- to make it appear healthy.

His nickname, and I don't know how this wasn't a tip-off to his clients, was Maggot Pete. Would you buy meat from this man?



Link

Thursday, December 11

Mr. Gawky Bird Bitch-slaps Photog

Gwyneth Coldplay-Paltrow "was behaving very strangely, going to great lengths to hide her left hand with her grey hoodie top. I have no idea why."
Link

Shake It Like a Polaroid Picture

Camera maker's stock price climbs after Andre 3000 exhorts the nation to move their posteriors in a manner akin to that of co.'s product --- coincidence????



Link

Wednesday, December 10

Neocons for Dean

Ok, so it's more like a college football coach trying to convince his powerhouse team not to get overconfident, but uber-con William Kristol thinks Dean could beat Dubya

Return of the Power Lunch

"Over at the Four Seasons, events of some significance are on the menu along with the white truffle risotto ($130 for an appetizer portion) and grilled dorade. On Nov. 20, Edgar Bronfman Jr. and Roger Ames spent a good long while chatting amiably with heads bent toward each other while other captains of industry, including Ronald O. Perelman, Steven Rattner and Ronald S. Lauder, casually took in the significance of the pairing. A few days later, Warner Music, of which Mr. Ames is chairman, was sold to a group headed by Mr. Bronfman for $2.6 billion, which sort of puts the price of risotto in perspective."
Link:

Tuesday, December 9

Funk. Uncut Funk. Tha Bomb

George Clinton arrested for cocaine possession. Crack pipe in his car. The man was *not* looking good in his mug shot.


Link

Monday, December 8

Jimmy Fallon vs Paris Hilton

Everybody's favorite amateur video star trades double entendres on SNL:

JF: We want to find about you, Paris Hilton. Your family...the Hiltons own hotels all around the world.
PH: Yes, in New York, London, Paris.
JF: Wait, there actually is a Paris Hilton?
PH: Yes, there is.
JF: Is it hard to get into the Paris Hilton?
PH: Actually, it's a very exclusive hotel, no matter what you've heard.
JF: Is there double occupancy at the Paris Hilton?
PH: No.
JF: Is the Paris Hilton very roomy?
PH: It might be for you. But most people find it very comfortable.
JF: I'm a VIP, I might need to go through the back entrance.
PH: Doesn't matter who are you – it's not going to happen.
JF: Fair enough, okay. I throw a lot of events. Do they have ballrooms there?
PH: We do.
JF: Great, I'd love to have my balls held by the Paris Hilton.

Link (via Gothamist)

Kerry: Bush effed up Iraq

Fading Dem candidate John Kerry, perhaps attempting to match Wesley Clark's well-received ad giving props to Outkast, unleases the f-bomb against Dubya: "Did I expect Howard Dean to go off to the left and say, 'I'm against everything'? Sure. Did I expect George Bush to f - - - it up as badly as he did? I don't think anybody did,' Kerry told Rolling Stone.

Friday, December 5

Amazon.com customer advice

If you liked Michael Jackson's "Number Ones" you might also like
-- Thank Heaven for Little Boys - 6 Piece Gift Set
-- Identifying Child Molesters: Preventing Child Sexual Abuse by Recognizing the Patterns of the Offenders
-- Coping With Prison: A Guide to Practitioners on the Realities of Imprisonment

Link

Do You Want Jail With That?

Woman gets 10 years in the slammer for running over a Mickey D's manager. The perp had wanted mayo (???) on her burger. Link

Thursday, December 4

Suggested Names for the Gwyneth/Chris Martin of Coldplay Bastard*

From bunsen.tv:
--Gwyneth Paltrow, Jr.

--Christopher Martin of Coldplay, Jr.

--Paris Hilton Paltrow-Martin**

--Anonymous Neverland Litigant #1438 (male baby only)

--Totally Over Ben So The Moody Limey Singer Will Do Paltrow-Martin

--Shakespeare In Utero

--If I Name Her Jennifer Do You Suppose Ben Will Notice Me Martin-Paltrow

--Jaylowe Paltrow I'm Not Taking Any Chances At Ben Not Noticing Martin

--Steve


[*I acknowledge that the couple in question already may be secretly married or may choose to marry and confer technical legitimacy on the child before its birth next summer. Additionally, everyone knows that talent is diluted as it's passed down, so the best the poor kid can shoot for is a Daytime Emmy or an American Music Award.]

[**So fucking sue me, that bag of sex-tape bones is haunting my dreams!]

Wednesday, December 3

Friday, November 7

Mommy, where do legos come from?

No, they're not scraped from the inside of magic trees by tiny danish elves. Link

Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I'm only falling apart....

There's nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the.....moon. Nov 9, 0100 GMT Link

Lets Invent a New Sport

That centers around jumping off buildings and walls and shit Link.

Are you on the phone or just picking earwax?

Japanese prototype wrist phone has you talk to the wrist and stick a finger in your ear. Link

Thursday, November 6

Clark is, like, so DOWN with Outkast

Truly bizarre Wesley Clark campaign ad has him explaining his views on Iraq, abortion, affirmative action and....the future of Outkast? For the record, he's against, pro-choice, for, and "they're not breaking up, they just did solo albums." Link

Konspiracy Komix!

LBJ, almost 40 years ago: "After tomorrow [Nov. 22, 1963] those goddamn Kennedys will never embarass me again!" Link

Tuesday, November 4

Wednesday, October 29

Grouphug.us

Online confessional. An excerpt: I have problems going to the toilet when other people are around. I can't stand them hearing my poo and pee noises. Sometimes, I take my car and go pooping in the woods at lunchtime.

Get Your War On anew

"Since the smoking gun didn't come in the form of a mushroom cloud, what form will the smoking gun come in?"
"The smoking gun will come in the form of a completely disassembled gun that is not smoking, because it exists only in the form of a future potential possibility of creating the conditions that may eventually lead to the assembly of a gun which may one day smoke. At which point you will die.


www.mnftiu.cc get your war on, pg 26

Radar gun for your nose

Smell Rangers sniff out odors at big farms

Tuesday, October 28

Hi! I'm Troy McClure!

You may remember me from such ringtones as "I told you not to call me here" and "Why don't you ever come home and spend time with me and the children."

I like it

The new single from The Strokes, "12:51"

Like Chess for Stupid People

The Official Rock Paper Scissors Strategy Guide. The World RPS Society is also preparing what is sure to be a barn-burner of a DVD. No lie.

Ohboy Ohboy Ohboy

The third season of '24' starts tonight. The NYTimes snarks, "Hitchcock used the word "MacGuffin" to describe the arbitrary thing (baby tiger, Maltese Falcon) that brings characters together in a movie plot; on "24," Kim is the MacIdiot, a character whose time-consuming missteps help postpone closure."

Link

Wednesday, October 22

Gov. Ahnold, I presume

Deeply frightening Japanese commercials done by the Governator back in the 1990s.

Thursday, October 16

Just what the world needs Department

The lovable, cuddly Department of Defense is researching a new breed of Gamma-ray weapons based on everyone's favorite adorable isotope, "hafnium178m2." One gram could store more energy than 50 kilos of dynamite.

"The effect of a nuclear-isomer explosion would be to release high-energy gamma rays capable of killing any living thing in the immediate area. It would cause little fallout compared to a fission explosion, but any undetonated isomer would be dispersed as small radioactive particles, making it a somewhat "dirty" bomb."

Link

Cubs lose, Apocolypse averted

From bunsen.tv:

The Chicago Cubs choked away a three-run lead with their best pitcher on the mound, a mere six outs away from their first World Series trip since the Battle of Hastings in 1066. This delayed one half of a possible Seventh Seal Series featured those lovable, hapless Cubbies and their diamond foils in futility, the profoundly evil Boston Red Sox, who dutifully capitulated to the New York Yankees. The Red Sox have suffered a similar drought in World Series championships, last winning when their ancestors in the English Imperial Rounders League, the Shropshire Long-Stockinged Dandies, at the high tea immediately following the signing of the Magna Carta in 1215.

...

Please, Sox and Cubs, don't steam off the envelope glue of the infinite just to "Reverse the Curse" or "Beat to Death the Billy Goat," I like my life, and it would be much harder to enjoy my escapades if everything is reduced to primordial soup.

Go Yankees.

[Ed: I hate the Yankees but you have to admit that's comedy gold]

Top Wedding Songs

According to an industry poll of Wedding DJs, these are tops. Electric Boogie and YMCA are 1 and 2, predictably, but for me the surprise top-10 finisher has to be 'Brick House' (a surprise at #9). And of course, what wedding reception would be complete without that age-old tribute to love and matrimony, Juvenile's "Back That Thing Up"?

As for me, I can proudly say the missus and I played (from custom burned CDs) no more than a handful of the 101 favorites, and that the party ended with Kelly desperately scanning through the CD to find NWA while everyone was waiting in our big, white wedding bus.

Link

Republicans for Hillary in '04

From Slate's Timothy Noah:

"Last month, Chatterbox pointed out that the movement to draft Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-N.Y., to run for president in 2004 was unlikely to succeed because it consisted almost entirely of conservative Republicans.

The right's fixation on a Hillary run reflects GOP fund-raising imperatives, a longing to unite a splintered conservative movement, and the widespread winger conviction that the Clintons are vampires who cannot be killed and will come back to haunt the GOP again and again. Never mind that Sen. Clinton has repeatedly stated that she will not run for president in 2004 and that there's little inclination among Democrats to change her mind.

Now the story has entered its inevitable second phase. Having previously established to its satisfaction that Hillary is a candidate, the right is now knocking her for running a lousy campaign! Our text is an Oct. 13 dispatch on the Fox News Web site, headlined, 'Clock Ticking for a Hillary Presidential Bid.' The report notes that Hillary has dithered so long that 'the drop-dead date has already passed' for a plausible candidacy. Stupid bitch! Her husband declared his candidacy on Oct. 4, 1991, and ever since, that date has been accepted by Democrats as an absolute deadline. (Nobody would dare out-procrastinate Slick Willie.)

We now return to our regularly scheduled universe."

My life will not be complete...

...until I am in possession of a robot panda.

Colin Powell Aide Says Case for War Bogus

Greg Thielmann says the the decision to go to war was made first, and then the intelligence was interpreted to fit that conclusion.

At the time of Powell's speech, Thielmann says that Iraq didn't pose an imminent threat to anyone: “I think it didn't even constitute an imminent threat to its neighbors at the time we went to war.”

Link

Fire in the Sky

NASA mystified by explosive fireball in the sky captured by a teenage photographer taking photographs of his friends skateboarding.

After examining the same phenomonon in a separate photograph , it turns out the fireball may have been the contrail from the Concorde reflecting the sunset (!)
Link

Monday, October 13

Eternal Questions Answered Dept.

What, or who, is the Best Boy listed in movie credits?

Friday, October 10

The I Can't Believe I'm Losing to this Guy Dept

Guess who said the following: "The best way to get the news is from objective sources, and the most objective sources I have are people on my staff who tell me what’s happening in the world."

Link

Terri Bauer: The Revenge

Here's hoping she can avoid amnesia this time. And when do we get our Nina spin-off?

Casino magnate blames Roy tiger attack on "woman with big hair"

"'As Roy was leading Montecore out to stage front on a leash, the cat became fascinated and distracted by woman with a big hairdo in the front row. Instead of Montecore going down facing forward with Roy, he did a 90-degree turn and faced sideways towards the woman with the big hairdo. For whatever reason, Montecore was fascinated and distracted by the guest sitting ringside.'

'Montecore got down on all fours and puts his 26-inch head four inches away from of the woman. She thinks this is adorable and part of the show and reaches out to try and rub him under his chin. Roy is talking and sees this move. That's way wrong all the way around. As usual the heroic fellow that he is, Roy jumps between the woman and the tiger.'"

Link:

Craigslist: Happy Ending for a Yankees playoff ticket

Two Yankees fans offering, er, a yank for a ticket to the Yankees-Red Sox game. 'Two hot females will exchange four-hand sensual massage for Yanks tickets . . . That's correct. My friend and I do this from time to time and so we are really really good at it . . . It is unbelievable. It ends as happily as we hope the Yankee game will. Serious replies only.' "

Link from Page Six

Thursday, October 9

Take It With a Grain of Salt Dept.

Mickey Kaus has a perverse, yet oddly compelling account of why he voted for Schwarzenegger.

"Schwarzenegger puts to voters, in a particularly sharp way, the same question Clinton put to voters: Can you separate personal failings from performance in office. Except that in Schwarzenegger's case the dilemma is worse, because--as an LAT editorial perceptively noted--Schwarzenegger's flaws are the very things that might actually help him perform better in office. Maybe a governor who is manipulative and mean is just the man to subdue the unions, the casino tribes and entrenched, free-spending legislators.

...

In a perverse way, I think Schwarzenegger's character defects may even serve as a valuable protection against the dangers of his ascendancy. It's not just that he will be on his best behavior toward women, or that he will take special care not to come across as an authoritarian who disrespects the "little men" and "losers." It's that the defects in all their ugliness are now visible to everyone--they've done their damage, making it impossible for him to think about building the sort of cult of personality his Nuremberg-rally fantasies might otherwise tempt him to build. We know he's a pig. We're not going to love him. If he's going to keep our loyalty it will have to be by producing actual results: a slimmed down government, a balanced budget, better schools, a better business climate, etc.

And if he doesn't--hey, we can always recall him."

Bill O'Reilly vs Terri Gross

Link

It begins....

"Arnold Schwarzenegger strongly suggested that he would call on President Bush to provide federal aid to California..."

How you going to deal with that deficit, Arnie?

"I campaigned that I will not raise taxes and I say this again, I will not raise taxes," said Schwarzenegger.

Link

Wednesday, October 8

Martha Washington was a hip, hip lady

Amazing Texas Monthly (reg req'd) article on a Dazed and Confused cast reunion.

Almost as interesting as the people who got their start in the movie -- Bafleck, Matthew McConaughey, Renee Zellweger, et al -- are those who auditioned but didn't make it: Vince Vaughn, Claire Daines and Ashley Judd.

Here's the unlikely story of how McConaughey hit it big:

It was, like, a Thursday night that summer, man, and I wanted to stay in and watch some flick, but my girlfriend talked me into going out to have some drinks. There was this bartender I knew from film school who worked at the [Austin] Hyatt and would give us a discount, so we went there. And when we walk in, he's there, and he goes, "Hey, man, the guy down at the end of the bar is in town producing a film." So I went down and introduced myself.

Forgotten Celebrity Animal Tragedies

The Siegfried & Roy tiger-mauling is only the latest in a long string of mishaps:

--Grizzly Adams was sodomized by Gentle Ben during a three-legged race in a 1979 edition of Battle of the Network Stars

--Emmanuel Lewis was carried off by a hawk early in the second season of Webster, unharmed thanks to the heroic sharpshooting of Alex Karras

--On the set of 'Conan the Destroyer,' Arnold Schwarzenegger cupped twelve engorged teats of a sow, calling it 'Good, clean fun on the set that I somewhat regret'"

(from bunsen.tv)

The California Governor's Race in a Nutshell

Failed ubernatorial candidate/porn star Mary Carey, in her concession speech: "Arnold, if you ever need advice on the state of California or want to grope another girl, call me."

Tuesday, October 7

What About the Charger?

Blame Nokia: Administrators at a British prison say mobile phones have gotten so small that inmates are smuggling them in by concealing them "inside their body crevices."

Radio Rajeed: The Next Generation

Boom box refitted as a WiFi-enabled MP3 player.

'Plug and Play'

For the erotically challenged geek: a USB-powered vibrator

Wednesday, September 17

Whopper of the Week:

"'No one believes in our First Amendment civil liberties more than this administration.'

—Attorney General John Ashcroft in a speech to the National Restaurant Association, Sept. 15

Link

As for all of those *other* civil liberties...

Amy Sedaris: friend of the animals

Star of "Strangers With Candy," friend of Steven Colbert, brother of David is selling cupcakes as a fund raiser for rabbits at the New Rochelle, NY Ramada.

Would some kind soul pick me up one with sprinkles?

Tuesday, September 16

How to Tell That Your Very High Profile Celebrity Engagement is on the Rocks

--No matter how many times you change the station, it seems that every song on the radio is about a breakup between a square-jawed recovering alcoholic and a full-figured crossover pop/movie star.

--You do not feel even the slightest pang of guilt or fear of discovery while nailing a Canadian exotic dancer named Starlight, even when you could have sworn for a split-second that the strobe light by the stripper pole was actually a paparazzi flashbulb.

--Gossip columns have suddenly started inserting a space in the middle of the cute one-word, combination nickname they'd been using for you and your beloved.

--You're increasingly annoyed that the aftertaste from the nipple glue that held up a very famous, revealing, green Grammy dress has not subsided, leaving you with the nagging suspicion that your bride-to-be's hygiene habits could use a punch-up.

--Suddenly that ample ass on your fiancée is starting to look a lot less 'sexy' and a lot more 'fat.'

--The following two phrases find their way into the same sentence uttered by Michael Musto: 'P. Diddy' and 'rebound fuck.'

Link (From Bunsen.tv)

UPDATE: The national nightmare may be prolonged

David Blaine - Attacked!

An attempt to cut the cable holding Blaine's plexiglass box over the Thames was, alas, unsuccessful. Link

Wanker

Spelling rude words in front of David Blaine. Link

Everybody Stealth Disco!

Watch your back....your coworkers may be shaking their groove thing! Link

Monday, September 15

"In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups..."

These are there stories -- in coloring book form. Duh-Dung

Outsider Videos

Outtakes from an Anna Nicole Smith movie, a VERY drunk Orson Welles, and a demented California self-help group. Link

Friday, September 5

Amish Prank Goes Horribly Wrong

A group of Amish hoodlooms (not a contradiction in terms, apparently) pelts the wrong guy's car with a tomato. Link

"Holmes County, a rural area that has what is believed to be the world's largest Amish population, sees its share of pranks by young Amish people every fall, Chief Deputy Nathan Fritz said.

"They'll steal their neighbor's buggy and put it on top of a building," Fritz said."

Joey Pants!

joeypants.com

Open Letter Dept.

Gawker has something to tell Paris Hilton:

Dear Paris,

It is time for us to intervene. We are concerned about you, master celebutante Paris Hilton. You have done too much, loved too much, slept with Shannon Doherty's ex-husband too much, and certainly have stayed too long at the party. To misquote Joan Didion: Was anyone ever so young? You have been here to tell us that yes, someone was.

You're allegedly starring in a remake of The Great Gatsby with 'N Synch playboy Lance Bass, which defies any comment. Allegedly you have six songs completed for your club music smash hit record. Your reality show with fellow famous daughter Nicole Richie will air in the fall Fox lineup. We really do want to see it: The Simple Life features you and Nicole learning to live on a farm in Arkansas. In fact, we'd spring for pay-per-view to see you two scrubbing out chicken coops. But that's because you've accustomed us to seeing you humiliated. We've come to crave your tragedy. Everyone in Manhattan wants you to trip in those heels and hurt your famous expensive face.

And that's just sick, Paris. Honey? The publicity is getting degrading. New York's familiarity with you has bred vast reserves of scorn. You are overexposed like a Nan Goldin snapshot. And we want you to get better! Any star that burns so very brightly risks being extinguished before her time. Please, please, we beg: give yourself, and us, a vacation.

Sick and Wrong

"Organic, animal-like matter" found in the Conde Nasty building in Times Square. Ominously described as "possibly an animal part," "a fetus" or "intestines." Prada-clad pandemonium ensues. Link

Thursday, September 4

Mark Your Calenders

September 19 is Talk Like A Pirate Day. Yarrrrrrr, me hearties.

Britney Spears on Shrub:

"Honestly, I think we should just trust our president in every decision that he makes and we should just support that, you know, and be faithful in what happens. " Link®:

Friday, August 29

Bad Shit in Baghdad

Salam Pax, the Baghdad Blogger, has his house searched by U.S. Soldiers.

They have been “informed” that there are daily meetings the last five days, Sudanese people come into our house at 9am and stay till 3pm, we are a probable Ansar cell. My father is totally baffled, my brother gets it. These are not Sudanese men they are from Basra the “informer” is stupid enough to forget that there is a sizeable population in Basra who are of African origin. And it is not meetings these 2 (yes only two) guys have here, they are carpenters and they were repairing my mom’s kitchen. Way. To. Go. You have great informers.

Link

Run, Hillary, Run?

Low Shrub poll numbers are reportedly -- I smell a trial balloon -- prompting HRC to rethink her plans. She may be the best-loved Democrat in the country, but I suspect she's unelectable. Too many people hate her guts with a bright burning passion. Link

Wednesday, August 20

Free Willy...KILL! KILL!

Family's terror as whale leaps on yacht
Nobody fucks with the Jesus. Link

Magnet for Evil

Tell it, Maureen Dowd: "The Bush team has now created the very monster that it conjured up to alarm Americans into backing a war on Iraq."

Tuesday, August 19

Party Train!

Reuters and the 3 Martini Lunch

Reuters CEO Tom Glocer berates sales staff -- he didn't bother sending the memo to journalists, as it's probably a lost cause -- for having alcohol on their breath during sales calls.
Link

Google Search: answer to life, the universe and everything

Those wacky Googlistas! Link

UPDATE: Those Princeton eggheads still haven't figured out the thorniest metaphysical question of our time: Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot that he himself could not eat it?

Listen for yourself

Gelato-related Cruelty

As if the Great Blackout O' Ought Three didn't make me homesick enough for New York, why must I read about the best ice cream shop on Earth giving away all of its delicously creamy wares --- MMMM....HAZELNUT GELATO...*DROOOOOL* -- at a steep, steep discount? link Why dost thou mock me, blackout gods??

Lazyman Tapas

Kelly and I were too wiped yesterday to do anything but sit on the couch, watch "Masterminds," an extremely mundane yet strangely gripping Brit gameshow, and eat meat, cheese, bread and tomatoes off a cutting board. It was only jamon serrano -- not the £150/kilo Iberico ham, made from pigs raised on acorns and aged for 3 years -- but it was still damn good.

Paul Newman Is Still HUD

Lefty actor pens an excellent New York Times Op-Ed poking fun at Fox News for suing Al Franken over use of the phrase "fair and balanced."

"In the 1963 film "HUD," for which Mr. Newman was nominated for an Academy Award, the ad campaign was based on the slogan, "Paul Newman is HUD." Mr. Newman claims that the Department of Housing and Urban Development, called HUD, is a fair and balanced institution and that some of its decency and respectability has unfairly rubbed off on his movie character, diluting the rotten, self-important, free-trade, corrupt conservative image that Mr. Newman worked so hard to project in the film."

Newman also gives a shout out to the (presumably fictional?) Ypsilanti Hot Dog and Bean Shop for joining the "coalition of the willing."

Monday, August 18

Blackout Bootyfest

Craigslist missed connections

Get Well Soon, Merissa!

please send your healing thoughts and prayers to my friend Merissa, who bruised her coccyx this weekend while defending helpless children from a rabid biker gang. ok, she fell down the stairs, but does that make her any less deserving?

Superpower Ironies

Jon Stewart on Liberia: You know what it's like with invasions... The countries that want you to invade them, you don't want to invade, and the countries that don't want you to invade them ... you just gotta invade 'em.
Link

Shady Diet Underworld

UK science board gets busted for blasting the Atkins diet after receiving a £10,000 payoff from -- I'm not making this up -- the Flour Advisory Board, a carbohydrate lobbying body!!!

Sunday, August 17

Organic Orthodoxy Dept

K. and I were looking for a nice place to eat dinner on Saturday before I had to work the nightshift, but unfortunately we went to a pompous "organic" gastropub called the Duke of Cambridge. We could really feel the organicnous (organicity? organicismo?) in the green slime on her chicken liver pate, in the grey lumps of chicken in my entree, and in the 40 minutes it took for our waitress to find her way to our table.

Oh and don't get me started on the word 'gastropub', or the fact that organic means 'carbon-based', so if your food isn't organic it's probably from another planet.



The Long Slow March to Alcoholism...

...has to begin with a pitcher of perfectly mixed Brambles in the garden on a steamy but slowly cooling summer evening.

This drink -- especially when mixed to perfection at our favorite extortionate cocktail bar a few blocks over -- is so outta sight that one is tempted to have one for breakfast, one for brunch, one in the middle of the night when you wake up thirsty for its tart, blackberry goodness....if it weren't such a fucking bitch to juice all those lemons.

Last Stop on the Warholian Express

C-list -- no, make that Z-list -- cebrities like Lorenzo Lamas and Todd Bridges available for happy birthday, get well soon phone calls. Link.

But why not save some money ($10 vs $30) and get a Monkey Phonecall instad?

Thursday, August 14

Creative Pranks Dept

upper tanker
"uh-per tank-er"
Dropping a dookie log in the upper tank of a toilet. Also known as "2000 Flushes Brown" and "The Gift That Keeps On Giving."

Usage: "The people at that fondue party were such pretentious losers that I had no choice but to give 'em the old upper tanker."

Link

Unconventional Warfare Dept

If only I was still living in Brooklyn I wouldn't have missed the Dumbo Condiment War.

"The cops came but they only laughed. What were they going to do? Arrest 100 people covered in mustard? A neighborhood woman walked by and yelled at everyone about the mess, and at last, it seemed like things were coming to an end. There was no clear winner, except, of course, America. Take that terrorists!"

More photos and coverage here.

Evil Monopoly Department

I tried out Micro$$oft's new music service -- i wanted to try a month (at £5/per) and they signed me up for a whole year! Here's my online chat with a MSN service rep:

****

Topic: I've just signed up for the monthly plan on MSN Music -- when I checked my settings I see it signed me up for a full year. Nowhere on the site did it say I was committing to a year's subscription. How can I change this?
Alfred Hello Adam. Welcome to MSN Interactive Online Support, my name is Alfred, your online Microsoft Support Professional.

Adam hello alfred

Alfred I understand you want to confirm your MSN Radio account. Am I correct?

Adam no

Adam this is the new msn music club -- a download service -- that launched today

Adam i want to change the terms of my account -- i did not understand or agree to a full year's subscription, only a month-by-month plan

Alfred Okay Adam, please wait for a moment.

Alfred Thanks for waiting.

Alfred I would have gladly assisted you with your issue however, I am sorry to inform you that my expertise is for MSN Internet Access accounts & Billing.

Adam who can help me

Alfred Let me send you the page which would help you with your issue.

Alfred The page might appear in a separate window, but you can still contact me by minimizing that window and returning to our original chat.

Adam NO -- i need to speak, or at least chat, with a real person please

Alfred Adam, as I am trained only for MSN Internet Access Billing issues, I do not have information regarding MSN Music.

Adam ok, but there must be some customer support for msn music

Alfred But I am sending you the page which may help you with your issue.

Adam alfred, i've gone over the help section of the site extensively, and it did not help

Alfred Adam, I would suggest you to click on the "Contact Us" link on the home page of MSN Music site.

Adam yes, i did, and all it gives is a generic email help form

Adam i find it impossible to believe that microsoft has not provided for a help desk for their new, important, very high profile download service

Alfred Adam, they have support services only through email.

Alfred I suggest you to contact them through email support.

Adam well, excuse me for being rude, but that is idiotic

(AT THIS POINT I SIGNED OFF IN ANGER AND THREW DARTS AT MY CUSTOM-MADE BILL GATES DARTBOARD)

Alfred I really apologise for the inconvenience caused.

Alfred I would be more than happy to help you, but I am unable to help you directly due to my limited support boundaries.

Alfred Do you have any other MSN Internet Access Accounts and Billing inquiries which I may assist you with?

Alfred I am waiting for your response.

Alfred I am still awaiting a response from you.

Alfred Since you have not responded, I am unable to assist you further at this moment. However, please feel free to login again if you have further
questions as we are here to assist you 24 hrs, 7 days a week.

Alfred For your own records, I'll send you a copy of our chat. Thanks Adam, for using MSN Interactive Online Support.

Alfred Have a great week ahead.

Alfred Bye and take care.

Tuesday, August 12

Worst...Product Placement.....Ever

From NBC's reality show 'The Restaurant' "A weary Rocco reviews the restaurant's financials after a particularly draining day. He's slumped in a chair, fretting that more money is going out than coming in. Suddenly he announces, awkwardly, 'I know what I'll do. I'll have Stacy apply for a line of credit from American Express' Open: The Small Business Network.' The camera then cuts to a shot of Stacy at AmEx's Open Web site. " Link:

Department of Competitive Suckling

Berkeley breast-feeders beat lactating Aussies

Monday, August 11

Eigenradio

The statistically optimal music since 2003. Link

Thursday, August 7

The How Quickly We Forget Department

Here's the 2001 Premier magazine story about Ahnohld's groping, whoring, and heart problems that at the time I thought might scupper his political dreams forever. Sadly, it seems I was wrong.

"Anna Richardson of Big Screen claims that after the cameras stopped rolling for her interview segment, Schwarzenegger, apparently attempting to ascertain whether Richardson's breasts were real, tweaked her nipple and then laughed at her objections."

(you have to scroll down a bit to find the story, entitled "Arnold the Barbarian")

The Just When Your Thought It Couldn't Get Any Worse Department

Ahnold "McBain" Schwarzenegger vows to pump up Sacramento. (Dude, you just quoted a parody of yourself -- that's so, like, meta!)

The Sperminator attempts to immunize himself from (pervasive, inevitable, completely justified) womanizing/sexual assault accusations by saying: "I know they're gowing to throw everything at me ... that I'm a womanizer and a terrible guy ... You all know that Gray Davis knows how to run a dirty campaign better than anyone but he doesn't know how to run a state."

Nice soundbite, ahnold -- you're still an ass.

Oh and one more thing: In the photo accompanying the article, is it my imagination or is arnie wearning an enormous topaz ring of some sort?? is that the source of his superhuman strength?

(Update: the ring appears to be lapus lazuili)

Fascist Honeybees

Fascinating Nature article about the battle between anarchy and social order in beehives.

Renegade honeybees can rebel by laying their own eggs, instead of raising the queen's offspring. Since that would result in the collapse of the hive, bees have evolved "a police force so pervasive that it rivals the former East Germany's infamous Stasi."

The article also describes how scientists have isolated anarchist bees (do they carve the symbol into the honeycomb?) that go their own way.

"Oldroyd and his team are trying to identify the genes that influence anarchic behaviour. If they can find them, it will provide a long-awaited mechanism for theories about animal conflict and cooperation. 'Anarchy genes are genes for selfishness, and anti-anarchy genes are genes for altruism,' says Oldroyd."

Wednesday, August 6

Uncomfortably Funny Criticism Department

The Daily Show's Stephen Colbert on the Role Of Media During Wartime.

"As a responsible journalist, I've taken my doubts, fears, moral compass, conscience and all pervading skepticism about the very nature of this war and placed them in this empty Altoids box. That is where they'll stay, safe and sound, until Iraq is liberated."
Justin Timberlake vs 50 Cent
Free Love on the Freelove Freeway
The Bend Over and Kiss Your Rights Goodbye Department
Man jailed for linking to bomb Web sites. How is this not a clear First Amendment case? Even worse: "Austin said he took a plea bargain because he feared his case was eligible for a terrorism enhancement, which could have added 20 years to his sentence."
French tennis dad poisons son's rivals, resulting in one death and several hospitalizations.
My friend Dost is spending two years in a remote Panamanian village with the Peace Corp. For a little companionship, she's gotten a Kinkajou for a pet.

Tuesday, August 5

"Several Things Slightly Easier to Do Than 'Creatively Ridiculing' the Ill-Conceived J.Lo/Affleck Star Vehicle Gigli::

--Speculating that the $3.8 million dollars Gigli earned at the box office came from the purchase of two $1.9 million tickets purchased by Ben and Jen

--Helpfully noting that the difficult-to-pronounce Gigli rhymes with 'cinematic ass rape'

--Digressively commenting that Kobe Bryant's weekend appearance at the Teen Choice Awards 'writes its own punchline,' then going on to note that former Teen Choice honorees included R. Kelly, Roman Polanski, and Jerry Lee Lewis (to cover all my demographic bases) and that next year's guests will include the guy that zaps the Olsen Twins at the stroke of midnight on their 18th birthday and that man's name very well could end in --ffleck, a speculation that makes this list entry once again relevant to the topic at hand

Also check out the maybe fake/maybe real Staring Contest with Christopher Walken
We had fire "training" today at work. Here's an actual quote: "you also have to watch out for for arson. a fire is set every three minutes in england. just the other day, someone put a little child in a barrel and set it on fire. i'm not saying that could happen in the workplace, but you have to be careful."

Sometimes I think "The Office" has ruined office life for me.
New York City announce plans to prosecute rapists based solely on a DNA profile, before the suspect is even identified. It's an attempt to beat the 10-year statute of limitations (which seems absurdly short).
Department of One More Thing to Worry About
Nobody really knows what time it is -- and I'm not speaking metaphorically.

Monday, August 4

"We had a good Cabinet meeting, talked about a lot of issues. Secretary of State and Defense brought us up to date about our desires to spread freedom and peace around the world."—

Shrub, Aug. 1
Instant Karmic Retribution Department
Flashers Beware
When Locking the Door Isn't Enough
Thieves Make Off With Calif. Man's House
The victim has put up posters in the area with pictures of the stolen domicile -- Have You Seen This House???
Berlin Flash Mob
"This is just the sort of thing that happens when you forbid New York to smoke."
Department of Karmic Justice
J. Lo and Bafflack Finally Get Some Privacy

Friday, August 1

A handy guide to crapping in the workplace
Check out definitions for the 'Watermelon', 'Turd Burgler', 'Uncle Ted' and the dreaded 'Havana Omelette'
Don't you just hate it when fly-like parasites keep emerging from your genitals?

"Doctors carried out a cystoscopy to clear the boy's urinary tract, but the treatment has failed because two more flies emerged out of his penis on Monday."

(via Dave Barry's blog)
Excellent blog on life in Antarctica. Excerpt: the typical Antarctic winter is "an unnerving event that drives the typical American to New Zealand gasping for sushi and whores."
Boston subway riders vomit as women gives birth.
After leaving the train and heading for the stairs up to the station's main lobby, witnesses said, the placenta fell to the platform. Judge turned around, grabbed the afterbirth, put it in her shoulder bag, and headed upstairs.

''She just literally picked it up with her hand and put it in some kind of bag she was carrying, and this was in mid-stride . . . It was the craziest thing I've ever seen,'' said Robert Busby, of Weymouth.
Oh...my....God
A demented group of college students are encouraging people to post this flyer in publics toilets everywhere, then send in a picture: Jeff Goldblum is Watching You Poop
Shug Knight and the Death Row murders
Justin Timberlake is pelted with garbage when he joins the Rolling Stones on stage.
Dude, what did you expect? I appreciate you're trying to broaden your appeal and all, but I really don't think you're going to have much luck with the Stones' demographic (i.e. people who don't understand that the band's best days are about 30 years behind them, and still turn out for a greatest hits rendition)
American Gallery of Psychiatric Art
Flying Machines
I know what I'm doing this weekend in London....

Thursday, July 31

There is no film with dialogue that can match Miller's Crossing



I never thought I could feel lust for a plumbing fixture

Wednesday, July 30

planning my next holiday....
If I'm lucky, sometime in my career I'll have a scoop as good as Emily Bavar Kelly, who broke the news that Walt Disney was covertly buying an enormous amounts o f land in Florida to build Disney World. She died this week, age 88.

Tuesday, July 29

Interesting that the recording released by Saddam -- allegedly, purportedly, etc -- says that "If Saddam Hussein had the option to sacrifice other sons, other than Uday and Qusay, Saddam Hussein would have sacrificed them the same honorable way.

Is that a veiled refence to a rumored third son of Saddam?
Bad Dog
Behind the Scenes in Shrub's White House: Plan 63
Good tunes here
Israel Kamakawiwo'ole
'Crack' nicotine, a particularly volatile and addictive form of the drug, varies widely from brand to brand.
"Anxious to muster as much international support as possible for its forces in Iraq, costing about $1 billion a week, Washington named 30 governments that have agreed to help by contributing to military or police operations.
Some of the countries did not have the means to pay for their own contributions so they were talking to the United States about financial assistance, State Department spokesman Richard Boucher told reporters."
I knew there was a reason I didn't like wearing tight neckties...
The New York Times obituary for Bob Hope was written by Vincent Canby -- the paper's former film critic who
died three years ago.

"He wrote the piece a few years ago," Joe Lelyveld, the Times interim executive editor, tells the New York Post, "and not much has happened in Bob Hope's life since."
Parody website from the Sierra Club takes on the Hummer and General Motors.

"Fabian, Pat Boone, Frankie Avalon, and Dion and the Belmonts are just some of today's top performers to be featured in GM's new campaign for the Hummer H2.

"To showcase the Hummer's cutting-edge really-big engine technology, and explain how it fits into the lifestyle of the forward-thinking 50s American, we're playing off the popularity of some of today's hottest musical acts," said GM vice-president of marketing Jim Clenndennen."

Hummer: 10 mpg
Model T: 25 mpg
A lawyer defends his teenage client's use of the word 'Fuck'-- specifically to call his principle "a fucker, a fag, and a fucking fag" when accused of smoking in the boy's room. The lawyer draws from historical sources (first recorded use in 1500 A.D. in the poem Flen Flyys: "Non sunt in celi quia fuccant uuiuys of heli," translated as "They are not in heaven becasue they fuck the wives of Ely") and Google searches to make his point. Fuck yeah!

Thursday, July 24

The Shrub administration, in an effort to discredit their opponents in the brouhaha over allegedly faked Iraq WMD evidence, exposes the name of an undercover CIA officer
Woo-hoo! The digusting medical photos of a photographer working in the pathologist's office are back!
This must be a hoax.... Pepsi is sponsoring a $1 billion lottery game show -- and the numbers are to be picked by carefully screened chimpanzees

Monday, July 14

If I had an iPod, I'd really want one of these: iPod BodyMask SALE

Friday, July 11

When I was a camp counselor, why didn't I think of staging fights between kids and charging for admission??
Puppies are cute. Chocolate labs especially. But I think that my friends Kurt and Danielle's dog Lola might just be off the scale.
Donald Rumsfeld lie? Nooooooooooooooooooo. Never!
A Pittsburgh Pirates first baseman won't face criminal charges despite taking a Louisville slugger to a woman in a sausage costume as she ran by the dugout. This took place, naturally, in Milwaukee.

One fan adds, unnecessarily, "This is a big sausage town."
God I love the London tabloids sometimes. The Sun vies for next year's Pulitzer (or whatever the UK equivalent is) with the shocking expose "Hulk doll's monster willy":

"Horrified Leah immediately ran to mum Kim and reported the find. And last night Kim called for a ban on the saucy toy. She said: 'A hulk with a bulk like this just shouldn’t be allowed. Considering the doll is only 12-inches tall it’s amazing how big his willy is.'"

Tuesday, July 8

The mysterious widow of a Saudi billionaire, who also happens to be a Paris-based chess and fine arts patron, and -- oh yeah, the DAUGHTER OF THE SYRIAN DEFENSE MINISTER (!) -- has quietly bought up a 10 percent stake in Cordiant, the troubled UK advertising company I've been writing about every day since I got to London four months ago.

Nobody knows what the dickens Nahed Ojjeh -- or Active Value, the fund manager that has become Cordiant's largest shareholder -- are up to. Anyone with any idea, drop a line to adampasick@yahoo.co.uk.

Here's my latest: Billionaire's widow ups stake in UK's Cordiant
I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself -- DUNNADA!
UH OH.....

Shrub political guru/Svengali Karl Rove apparently spent the 4th of July cheering on upstart Democratic challenger Howard Dean.

"Rove told a companion, " 'Heh, heh, heh. Yeah, that's the one we want,' " according to Daniel J. Weiss, an environmental consultant, who was standing nearby.

Then, Weiss said, Rove exhorted the marchers and the parade audience, 'Come on, everybody! Go, Howard Dean!'"
Joe Lieberman has made an interesting choice for his press secretary as he ramps up for a presidential run against Shrub in 2004 -- the unfortunately named Dan Gobush
One person driving home with a body in their windshield is a fluke, but two is a trend. Salacious detail: "Deputies first learned of the accident, which happened about midnight Friday, from patrons at a bar who called 911 to report finding two legs near the parking lot."

(via Drudge Report)
Take the NYC subway to the Jersey shore ....sorta

Monday, July 7

I'm pretty sure this isn't a joke: James Cameron claims he wrote the first 'Terminator' movie with O.J. Simpson, not Ah-nohld, in mind. The trouble was, as Cameron told Esquire, “People wouldn’t have believed a nice guy like O.J. playing the part of a ruthless killer.”

The New Yorker: The Critics: The Current Cinema
Looks like Shrub (left) is mastering the Segway with help from Bush pere (right)
My article on David Beckham got picked up in USA Today
One of my favorite sites, run by a photographer who works for the pathologists office in New York, is being forced to take down the horrible, disgusting, and absolutely fascinating pictures of tumors, surgeries and other blood and guts. So peep them while you can!
A friend of mine wrote a great story on how 'grim is in' for youth marketers. Youth Marketers Walk on the Dark Side
On a related note, I'm semi-obsessed with Lemony Snicket's 'A Series of Unfortunate Events' books. Imagine a tongue-in-cheek Harry Potter book, without magic, and a boatload of literary allusions.

If you've read any of the books, I highly recommend reading
The Unofficial Lemony Snicket FAQ to see just how complex and layered this series is.
I can't decide what tattoo I should get for my child.
You're a Swedish farmer minding your own business when all of a sudden an experimental Japanese space shuttle, dropped from a balloon 13 miles high, lands on your face. Ok, so it just landed in a field.

But the official comment is priceless: "From a scientific perspective, it was a success because we collected the data we were looking for,'' space agency spokesman Hiroaki Sato said Wednesday. "But because of the landing, we are unsure if we can continue the test flights...''

(via Warren Ellis' Die Puny Humans )
Listed on BlogShares
About six months ago, my wife's best friend Jill was talking about the names she and her husband were considering for their unborn child. They refused to tell us their top choices, but said they had two names, one male and one female, for each letter of the alphabet.

My wife and I, along with Jill's sister, started working our way through the alphabet (it's harder than it sounds). When we got to J, we started ragging the name Jared -- it reminded us all of the Subway spokesman, who should be lauded for his dramatic victory over obesity, but seriously, is this what you want to be thinking about for your child?

As we laughingly dissed the name, Jill was getting more and more pissed, until she finally said, "Can we stop talking about this RIGHT NOW??!" Guess what their top option was? Ooops.

As it turns out, they named their son Aidan, a name I like a ton. It's also the 63rd most common boy's name in the United States, according to this website.

Why have Brooklyn, Trinity and Ruby become so common?
The soundtrack to our Italian adventure -- this song by Paolo Meneguzzi was on the radio about once every five minutes when we were driving around the countryside.
Check out photos from our trip to Italy.
(NY Times Co. subsidiary) The Boston Globe attempts to copyright the Declaration of Independence. (see bottom of page)
Excellent 360 degree photo of 4th of July Fireworks from the Empire State Building

Thursday, July 3

A new attraction at Coney Island: lay down your money and shoot "freaks" with a paintball gun. Trust No One (second item)
404 -- Weapons of Mass Destruction not found

Wednesday, July 2

The Onion on why people are buying Harry Potter:

"Characters getting to that age where they start to have sexy thoughts"

"Just couldn't get into Atonement mania"
An old story of mine:

Product advertisers find "Sopranos" hard to refuse

My article on WPP and CEO Martin Sorrell's contentious pay package
Amazing Matrix ASCII animation

(Update -- the link seems to be broken. But the links for Bart Simpson and this breakdancer still work)

Tuesday, July 1

It seems that there may have been an attempt to kill Shrub on the morning of September 11.

"At about the same time Bush was getting ready for his [morning of 9/11] jog, a van carrying several Middle Eastern men pulled up to the Colony's guard station. The men said they were a television news crew with a scheduled 'poolside' interview with the president. They asked for a certain Secret Service agent by name. The message was relayed to a Secret Service agent inside the resort, who hadn't heard of the agent mentioned or of plans for an interview. He told the men to contact the president's public relations office in Washington, DC, and had the van turned away. "

The article notes that Ahmed Shah Massoud, leader of Afghanistan's Northern Alliance, was killed in a similar ruse only two days before, on 9/9.
The GOP is holding its national convention next year in New York City. According to an article that briefly appeared in the New York Times -- and was then mysteriously changed -- the Republicans plan to lay the cornerstone for new WTC complex during the convention!!

The changed NYT story is especially odd, as the paper is usually very stringent in their corrections policy. If the story was wrong, they would have corrected it.

I think I can safely say that the coming presidential election will be more nauseating than usual as both parties try to milk 9/11 for all its worth.